This blog contains stories and incidences that I have witnessed over the last several years of owning different bars and restaurants. Some of the material has been enhanced or altered to fit the story and is of an adult nature. If you are under 18 years of age please leave this site, or, an adult who is easily offended by what some people do in their lives, you make want to leave this site as well. If you are brave, or just curious, then read on, but you have been warned.

Interesting Business Oportunity

A friend of mine was in the bar a couple nights ago and was telling me of a friend of a business partner of his accidentally and somewhat jokingly started a new business. This gentleman came into possesion of several tanning beds. He and another friend decided to see if they could come up with the craziest business use for them. They decided to place an ad in the paper stating that women interested in suntanning for free call this number for information. Women called and were informed that indeed they could tan for free with two caviates. One, they needed to be willing to tan in the nude and two, they needed to sign a release stating that their tanning sessions would be broadcast on the internet. The response was overwhelming, they have women tanning twenty four hours a day and now have a booming internet business. When I mentioned this new business to a group of women in the bar, they all commented that this was a good deal. They could get a free tan and all they would have to do was lay naked on a tanning bed and be broadcast on the web. What a deal. Hmmm? Anybody know the number of a tanning bed distributor? ;-) Have a great day.

American Cake

Last weekend was pretty much like any other until the going away party arrived. This was a group of about eight people who had come to bid a fond fair well to a good friend. They ordered a round of drinks and began enjoy themselves, and then another round or two. It wasn't until much later in the evening that I learned just how much they enjoyed themselves, or were at least entertained. After a while, they decided to go out onto the patio to smoke and to share a going away cake that one of them brought to the party. Several times during the evening, they would come back into the bar and ask the bartender if she would like a piece of their cake. She declined their generous offer. Eventually 2 am arrived and all of the party participants went to wherever it is they go, IHOPTM, most likely and I began to clean up the patio. After emptying overflowing ashtrays, I began to pickup the mess from the going away party. It seems that before they went away, they decided to throw a good portion of the left over cake all over the patio, what an f'ing mess. That messy task being completed, I places the plastic cover back on the remaining cake and noticed that there was a large hole in it with quite a bit of icing missing, probably left from the cake throwing. WRONG!!! I brought the cake back into the bar and asked the bartender if she would like to take the remaining cake home to her young son. She politely declined and proceeded explain why. It seems that at one point in the night, the one gentleman who was in attendance at the party ran back into the bar headed for the restrooms, as he did he mentioned to the bartender that he had blue balls, a few moments later, he reappeared and again mentioned laughingly that the problem was solved. The bartender just chalked it up to stupid people as he was only in the restroom for a very short time. The plot thickens, she then went on to tell me that later in the evening, one of the partying girls came in and again asked if she would like a piece of the cake. Once more she declined at which point the party participant informed her that the gentleman had earlier in the evening whipped out his member, (dick),for those of you who don't know what a member is, and stuck it in the cake. So ends the mystery of the hole in the cake. As the cake was covered in blue icing, it also explains his earlier statement of owning a set of blue balls. You know, dear reader, every time I thing I have seen or heard it all, I am proven wrong. Have a great day and remember, please don't eat the yellow snow or from cakes that look like Swiss cheese.

The Lecturing Hypocrite

Saturday night I was at the bar, as usual, when I began a conversation with a good friend of mine and a reasonably regular customer of mine who happens not to be from the United States. He usually loves to point out the deficiencies of our country although he loves working here. This gentleman asked me if I thought that Hillary Clinton or Barrack Obama would find up with the democratic nomination for president. I told him that I did not think that either would ultimately be the nominee and thought that a current dark horse might very well wind up as the contender. My good friend, Mr. Makers Mark stated that he was not sure if the United States was ready to elect either a woman or a black to the office of president to to lingering gender and race biases. At this the visitor from another land went off into a rant about how the United States should be way past the point of gender and racial discrimination. He went on to talk about how we have been desegregated for about 40 years and this has no place anymore in American politics or our culture. I then went on to say that one democrat that I could vote for would be Joe Lieberman. At this, my customer of towering virtue blurted out that he could never vote for Lieberman because he could not have a Jew as president of this country. I am not even sure if this gentleman is a naturalized citizen of this country but he did go on to state that if Hillary was elected president, he would leave the country and return to his homeland. When I told my wife about this, she merely commented that the gentleman obviously in limited freedom, blacks and women are to be tolerated with no prejudice but bigotry toward religion was still alive and well at least in his mind. The best thing that came out of this conversation was he gave me a reason to consider supporting Hillary. Think about it, but he would have to keep his promise unlike all of the Hollywood types that were leaving the country in Bush was re-elected.

Shitty Tipping

It has come to my attention that as of late, more and more people in this town are just fucking cheap. Yes I am talking about tipping your bartenders. Lately there has been a rash of large tabs which are good for the bar and really shitty tips that are hard on the bartenders. These people are not standing behind the bar all night long taking care of you because they have nothing better to do, they are trying to make a living. Now I am lucky, I happen to own a bar that is frequented by a client base that in general makes a good living but don't seem to have the intelligence to tip. A $2.00 tip on a $98.00 tab is insulting. So is a $2 or $3 dollar tip on a fifty or sixty dollar tab. This is not just happening at my bar, I have a large number of bartenders from around the city that meet at my bar when their shifts are over and I hear the same complaint from them as well. A 10% tip should be about the minimum if you are drinking bottled beer all evening but your tip should be in the 15% to 20% range if you are drinking mixed drinks. If you are old enough to drink, you are old enough to tip. If you have a legitimate complaint about your service, then complain or leave and go find a bar where the service is more to your liking. All your shitty tipping will do is insure shitty service the next time you come into the bar. Is that what you really want? I don't think so. If you can blow $50 or $100 on drinks, then you can afford to leave a tip, if you can't, drink less, or drink at home. Another pet peave of mine is when people come in the bar for hours, buy drinks for themselves, their spouse and friends and then after several hours of drinking, are amazed that they have a large tab. Bars don't give volume discounts because the state expects their tax revenue on every ounce of liquor poured. Just ask your bartender periodically what your tab is or better yet, pay as you go, then there are no surprises. One last thing, doubles are just that, double the liquor and double the price. If you happen to be a good tipper, then this column is not addressed to you, if you are not,you know who you are and sinner, heal thyself.

Sad to Say, Bigotry is Still Alive and Well

Late last night, we had a group of customers in the bar that are regulars and as it happens are all from Mexico. As they were visiting with each other, they meandered from speaking in English and switched to Spanish. There also happened to be an old bigot sitting at the other end of the bar nursing his glass of wine and half dozing in his solitude. When he heard the group speaking at the other end of the bar, he became enraged calling the bartender and ordered her to "go tell those people to stop speaking Mexican". The bartender informed him that they were speaking amongst themselves and could speak in any language they cared to. He continued to complain that they were in the United States and were not allowed to speak Mexican. At this point she pointed out to them that they were speaking fluent Spanish, not Mexican, they were all highly educated and he was free to leave if he didn't like it. She walked away and he sat there boiling in his own bigotry. I thought we had left the days of intolerance years ago, but I can see, my beliefs were premature. There are still plenty of jerks in our world. How can we as a country, hope to bring peace to this world when we have people in this country who object even the the language other people use to communicate to each other.

Kim's In The House

Kim was definitely in the house last night as only she can be. After getting off to a slightly tardy start due to some personal issues that arose, but as only Kim can do, she took matters into her capable hands and worked the situation out. The party was a great success. Also in attendance at the party was her new main man, John. Congrats to Kim and John. Stay tuned for news of her next going away party in the Kim Rocks central Texas Tour 2006.