New Employees.. Sometimes some of the funniest things that happen at the bar involve new bartenders. A case in point involves a young lady that went to work for me earlier this year. This was the first Sunday that she worked without following another bartender. One of my good customers, Wilbur, came in and decided to have some fun with her. At an appropriate moment when all of the other customers had migrated away from the bar, he commented that he was sure glad that it was Sunday because he was really looking forward to his coffee enema. Jen looked to say the least surprised at this comment and said “Bullshit”! He just retained his cool composure and turned to me and asked if I had not yet told her about the especial Sunday activity. Playing along with him in a totally adlib situation I informed her that on Sunday evenings, we offered a coffee enema to those customers that wanted to start the week completely purged from the effects of the previous weeks drinking. I went on to say that she could make some pretty good tips doing this as some of the men really enjoyed getting their enemas. She definitely had this half scared “What the Fuck” look on her face but we were not going to let her off the hook quite so fast. Wilbur went on to say that he would be happy to show her the proper way to administer an enema to him. While he was talking to Jen, I slipped into the kitchen of the bar and produced a turkey baster that we just happened to have back there. When Jen saw this piece of equipment, she suddenly thought that we were really serious and asked if she should brew regular or decaf. My God, she actually believed us. At this point we really could not stay with this story any longer and Wilbur told her that we were pulling her leg. Instantly, she looked pissed, relieved and laughed all at the same time. She was almost green at the thought of putting this turkey baster up some old mans’ ass. Damn, we can be cruel to the newbie’s at the bar.

This same gentleman had convinced another one of my bartenders that because he was a particularly good friend of mine and an old customer, that he got every third beer free. He did let this joke go on for a couple of days before he broke down and told her the truth and paid her for the free beers.

Sometimes the funniest things are the misunderstandings that occur out of the things that are not said. A few years ago I had a bar downtown that was a sixties retro bar complete with black lights and lots of fluorescent painting on the walls. The bartenders danced on the bar in a Coyote Ugly fashion that is popular today but this was before the current bar dancing craze began. One Monday night a friend of mine invited me to another bar in town to hear a rock band that he was teaching in a commercial music program at a local college. Having nothing else to do that night as my bar was then closed on Monday nights, I decided to go and listen and send some time in someone else’s bar. Shortly after I got there and ordered a drink, my friends’ band took to the stage and began to perform. There was one young girl on the stage playing a guitar that just exuded a personality and presence. I asked my friend who she was and he told me her name was Kasi and that she was actually a theater and dance major. This intrigued me as I was still hiring people to work at my newly opened bar. After their performance was finished and the band departed the stage, I made my way over to Kasi and introduced myself saying how much I enjoyed her playing. I then asked her if by any chance she was looking for a job. She said that she actually was so I told her where my bar was located and told her to come by for an interview.

The next night, a Tuesday, Kasi came by the bar shortly after 9 PM. She asked the bartender on duty if I was there as she wanted to talk to me about a job. Alexis, the bartender asked her name and what her favorite type of music was to dance to, she then pointed out where I was at the back of the bar and she made her way back to me. After sitting down at my table, we started a general conversation, at one point I asked her where she went to high school and she told me that she had been home schooled. At this I suggested that my bar might not be suitable for her as I could envision irate parents marching through the front door. The only people I knew that were home schooled had been from extremely conservative religious families. Kasi went on to tell me that her mother had suggested that she might get a job at a topless bar because she could make good tips. With this statement I told her that this might just be the bar for her. I took her up to the bar, we put on some music that she liked and gave her a quick dance audition. Looking at people dancing on a bar and doing it yourself are two entirely different things. She climbed up onto the bar and danced her little butt off. No problems. I asked her if she could start on Thursday night and she excitedly agreed.

Thursday night arrived and so did Kasi, ready for work. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a pink halter top. I introduced her to the staff and showed her around the bar. The first customer just came up to her asked for a Bud Light longneck. She excused herself and came up to me and me and asked if we served the longneck brand of Bud Light. Well, she was only eighteen and it was her first night. Soon it was her turn it get up on the bar and start dancing with the other girls. Before she knew it, the evening was over. After we cleaned up the bar, all of the staff went down the street to a restaurant that was open to 4 AM. Kasi very quickly turned into a very competent bartender and now several years later, still works for me in another bar. This is where the story finally gets to the punch line. Earlier this spring, we were reminiscing about the past when she finally told me that when she first came to work for me, she thought my bar was a strip club, which it was not. For the first week or so she couldn’t understand why no one had asked her or anyone else to take their clothing off. Talk about misunderstandings. I hope you have an interesting life. Thanks for reading.