Life and Love at the Bar

2008-12-31T23:59:00.000-06:00

This blog contains stories and incidences that I have witnessed over the last several years of owning different bars and restaurants. Some of the material has been enhanced or altered to fit the story and is of an adult nature. If you are under 18 years of age please leave this site, or, an adult who is easily offended by what some people do in their lives, you make want to leave this site as well. If you are brave, or just curious, then read on, but you have been warned.

Interesting Business Oportunity

2008-01-02T11:59:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine was in the bar a couple nights ago and was telling me of a friend of a business partner of his accidentally and somewhat jokingly started a new business. This gentleman came into possesion of several tanning beds. He and another friend decided to see if they could come up with the craziest business use for them. They decided to place an ad in the paper stating that women interested in suntanning for free call this number for information. Women called and were informed that indeed they could tan for free with two caviates. One, they needed to be willing to tan in the nude and two, they needed to sign a release stating that their tanning sessions would be broadcast on the internet. The response was overwhelming, they have women tanning twenty four hours a day and now have a booming internet business. When I mentioned this new business to a group of women in the bar, they all commented that this was a good deal. They could get a free tan and all they would have to do was lay naked on a tanning bed and be broadcast on the web. What a deal. Hmmm? Anybody know the number of a tanning bed distributor? ;-) Have a great day.

American Cake

2007-07-06T10:43:00.001-05:00

Last weekend was pretty much like any other until the going away party arrived. This was a group of about eight people who had come to bid a fond fair well to a good friend. They ordered a round of drinks and began enjoy themselves, and then another round or two. It wasn't until much later in the evening that I learned just how much they enjoyed themselves, or were at least entertained. After a while, they decided to go out onto the patio to smoke and to share a going away cake that one of them brought to the party. Several times during the evening, they would come back into the bar and ask the bartender if she would like a piece of their cake. She declined their generous offer. Eventually 2 am arrived and all of the party participants went to wherever it is they go, IHOPTM, most likely and I began to clean up the patio. After emptying overflowing ashtrays, I began to pickup the mess from the going away party. It seems that before they went away, they decided to throw a good portion of the left over cake all over the patio, what an f'ing mess. That messy task being completed, I places the plastic cover back on the remaining cake and noticed that there was a large hole in it with quite a bit of icing missing, probably left from the cake throwing. WRONG!!! I brought the cake back into the bar and asked the bartender if she would like to take the remaining cake home to her young son. She politely declined and proceeded explain why. It seems that at one point in the night, the one gentleman who was in attendance at the party ran back into the bar headed for the restrooms, as he did he mentioned to the bartender that he had blue balls, a few moments later, he reappeared and again mentioned laughingly that the problem was solved. The bartender just chalked it up to stupid people as he was only in the restroom for a very short time. The plot thickens, she then went on to tell me that later in the evening, one of the partying girls came in and again asked if she would like a piece of the cake. Once more she declined at which point the party participant informed her that the gentleman had earlier in the evening whipped out his member, (dick),for those of you who don't know what a member is, and stuck it in the cake. So ends the mystery of the hole in the cake. As the cake was covered in blue icing, it also explains his earlier statement of owning a set of blue balls. You know, dear reader, every time I thing I have seen or heard it all, I am proven wrong. Have a great day and remember, please don't eat the yellow snow or from cakes that look like Swiss cheese.

The Lecturing Hypocrite

2007-04-16T13:09:00.000-05:00

Saturday night I was at the bar, as usual, when I began a conversation with a good friend of mine and a reasonably regular customer of mine who happens not to be from the United States. He usually loves to point out the deficiencies of our country although he loves working here. This gentleman asked me if I thought that Hillary Clinton or Barrack Obama would find up with the democratic nomination for president. I told him that I did not think that either would ultimately be the nominee and thought that a current dark horse might very well wind up as the contender. My good friend, Mr. Makers Mark stated that he was not sure if the United States was ready to elect either a woman or a black to the office of president to to lingering gender and race biases. At this the visitor from another land went off into a rant about how the United States should be way past the point of gender and racial discrimination. He went on to talk about how we have been desegregated for about 40 years and this has no place anymore in American politics or our culture. I then went on to say that one democrat that I could vote for would be Joe Lieberman. At this, my customer of towering virtue blurted out that he could never vote for Lieberman because he could not have a Jew as president of this country. I am not even sure if this gentleman is a naturalized citizen of this country but he did go on to state that if Hillary was elected president, he would leave the country and return to his homeland. When I told my wife about this, she merely commented that the gentleman obviously in limited freedom, blacks and women are to be tolerated with no prejudice but bigotry toward religion was still alive and well at least in his mind. The best thing that came out of this conversation was he gave me a reason to consider supporting Hillary. Think about it, but he would have to keep his promise unlike all of the Hollywood types that were leaving the country in Bush was re-elected.

Shitty Tipping

2006-12-27T13:51:00.000-06:00

It has come to my attention that as of late, more and more people in this town are just fucking cheap. Yes I am talking about tipping your bartenders. Lately there has been a rash of large tabs which are good for the bar and really shitty tips that are hard on the bartenders. These people are not standing behind the bar all night long taking care of you because they have nothing better to do, they are trying to make a living. Now I am lucky, I happen to own a bar that is frequented by a client base that in general makes a good living but don't seem to have the intelligence to tip. A $2.00 tip on a $98.00 tab is insulting. So is a $2 or $3 dollar tip on a fifty or sixty dollar tab. This is not just happening at my bar, I have a large number of bartenders from around the city that meet at my bar when their shifts are over and I hear the same complaint from them as well. A 10% tip should be about the minimum if you are drinking bottled beer all evening but your tip should be in the 15% to 20% range if you are drinking mixed drinks. If you are old enough to drink, you are old enough to tip. If you have a legitimate complaint about your service, then complain or leave and go find a bar where the service is more to your liking. All your shitty tipping will do is insure shitty service the next time you come into the bar. Is that what you really want? I don't think so. If you can blow $50 or $100 on drinks, then you can afford to leave a tip, if you can't, drink less, or drink at home. Another pet peave of mine is when people come in the bar for hours, buy drinks for themselves, their spouse and friends and then after several hours of drinking, are amazed that they have a large tab. Bars don't give volume discounts because the state expects their tax revenue on every ounce of liquor poured. Just ask your bartender periodically what your tab is or better yet, pay as you go, then there are no surprises. One last thing, doubles are just that, double the liquor and double the price. If you happen to be a good tipper, then this column is not addressed to you, if you are not,you know who you are and sinner, heal thyself.

Sad to Say, Bigotry is Still Alive and Well

2006-12-24T14:40:00.000-06:00

Late last night, we had a group of customers in the bar that are regulars and as it happens are all from Mexico. As they were visiting with each other, they meandered from speaking in English and switched to Spanish. There also happened to be an old bigot sitting at the other end of the bar nursing his glass of wine and half dozing in his solitude. When he heard the group speaking at the other end of the bar, he became enraged calling the bartender and ordered her to "go tell those people to stop speaking Mexican". The bartender informed him that they were speaking amongst themselves and could speak in any language they cared to. He continued to complain that they were in the United States and were not allowed to speak Mexican. At this point she pointed out to them that they were speaking fluent Spanish, not Mexican, they were all highly educated and he was free to leave if he didn't like it. She walked away and he sat there boiling in his own bigotry. I thought we had left the days of intolerance years ago, but I can see, my beliefs were premature. There are still plenty of jerks in our world. How can we as a country, hope to bring peace to this world when we have people in this country who object even the the language other people use to communicate to each other.

Kim's In The House

2006-12-22T12:45:00.000-06:00

Kim was definitely in the house last night as only she can be. After getting off to a slightly tardy start due to some personal issues that arose, but as only Kim can do, she took matters into her capable hands and worked the situation out. The party was a great success. Also in attendance at the party was her new main man, John. Congrats to Kim and John. Stay tuned for news of her next going away party in the Kim Rocks central Texas Tour 2006.

Mrs. Claus Stops By For a Beer

2006-12-17T15:10:00.000-06:00

Friday night, Mrs. Claus stopped by the bar for a quick Guinness or two while her hubby was at home finishing up the last minute details for the evening of the 24th. A fun time was had by all. If you missed it, you missed out on a good time. Here she is with one of the many revellers present on that evening.

A Really Dumb Blonde and Other Idiots

2006-12-12T11:37:00.000-06:00

Well it happened again last night, about 10 pm the door of the bar opens and in walk four women in their late twenties or early thirties. The blondest one of the group looks around at the seven or eight people at the bar drinking their drinks, my wife and I are behind the bar and here it comes, "Are you open?" Jesus Christ!! Take a wild ass guess, what do you think? I swear, people like this are really just too stupid to breathe. What I really want to say is "Get the fuck out of my bar, I don't want to risk serving anyone that stupid!". On a related subject, my wife and I are selling a car that we own with an ad in the classified section of the paper. The ad reads, "1990 Audi 100 for sale, does not run, has a vacuum leak." We go on to list a few other things about the car including the rediculously low price, phone number, etc. We have had a dozen phone calls in response to the ad. Their first question has always been "Can I take it for a test ride?" "No dumbass, it does not run. " "Could you get it running for me so I can drive it?" "No I can't" "What's wrong with it" "As it says in the ad, it has a vacuum leak." "Well why don't you fix it so I can take it for a test drive?" At this point, I just want to hang up the phone. I really worry about our country and its future with this many idiots running around the streets.

How Much Are Those Panties On The Lampshade?

2006-10-25T14:06:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it takes a while for even bar owners to learn their lessons. Trust being one of those. One afternoon not long ago, my wife and I arrived at the bar in early afternoon to clean up and ready the bar for its' next round of merriment. Having vaccuumed, restacking the rocks glasses for the night, and generally straightening up, we were ready to open. As the customers began to file in for the evening and drinks were being served, everything seemed normal until... One of my college aged co-eds came in, ordered a drink and then asked, "What are those doing up there?" My wife and I looked up to see a pair of panties hanging over a lampshade on a light hanging from the ceiling. It beat the hell out of us as to where the new lighting adornment came from. I got a broom from the back and carefully removed the garment from the light. While they didn't look familiar to me, I had my suspicions as to their origin. The next day when one of my bartenders came into the bar for work, I told her that we needed to talk that night after we closed. At the end of the evening we sat down and I politely asked her how her evening was and if everything was in place. She looked at me rather strangely when I produced the panties and asked if they were hers and were they AWOL. She blushed and admitted that she had lost them in the early hours of the morning before and was wondering where I had found them. When I said that I found them on top of one of the ceiling light fixtures. She then rather coyly stated that she had not looked up there for them. I asked my next question almost not wanting to know the answer. "How?", I asked. She stated that very early the previous morning, somewhere shortly after 3, she and her boyfriend were in desparate need of a place to, well, you know, and as her parents house was out of the question and he was from out of town, the bar seemed like the perfect place for some private parts juice swapping. At this I decided it was time to change the locks and not furnish the employees with any new keys. I thanked her for her honesty and I rather strenuously pointed out that what she did was not only wrong, but illegal as well as dangerous because if any bodily injury had occured, that I could have been liable as the owner of the property. After this incident, this employee left the bar for good and I have not seen her since. I am sure that she probably did not mean to do or think she was doing anything all that wrong, afterall they were horny, but really, this was over the line. Business hours are business hours and don't include other peoples' monkey business. Since then, I have not had customers finding wayward draws hanging around in the bar and I learned a valuble lesson in trust, don't.

A Very Bong Vodka Night. BONG,BONG,BONG

2006-10-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

Last night we had our Bong Spirits Bong Vodka Premier Party, and it will go down as one of the greatest parties ever held at the bar. There were plenty of bongalishous snacks such as Brownies, Cheetos(TM), Funyons (TM) and mellow yellow lemon jello shots made with of course, Bong Vodka. Try and say that five times fast. Mr. Gary Henry provided the entertainment for the night with his incredible musical talents with 'professor' Vince Bryce joining him with his bass for the last set. Vince just got a teaching job at an area college, congrats to Vince. The bar was just below fire code for the whole of the evening. At least a dozen people asked me throughout the evening if Gary could play at the bar every Friday night? I certainly wish he could but, alas, he no longer lives in our city and he and his wife made the trip here just for the night for this special Bong Vodka party. The spirit and philosophy Bong Spirits certainly filled the bar on this particular Saturday night. This was one of those nights just just should not ever have ended. Two AM came way too soon on this particular night or morning, depending on your point of view. Check out http://www.Bongspirits.com , it is a very good vodka, made in Amsterdam, and the company has a great philosophy and is worth some attention. Till next time, have a great day.

Like Gag Me With A Spoon

2006-10-22T13:39:00.000-05:00

On Friday my wife and I decided to eat lunch at our favorite hamburger hole in the wall, Cupps. We were almost finished our lunch when three co-eds walked in and sat at the booth next to ours. What proceeded was a dazzeling display of Valley Girl speak. As they walked in the one girl starts with "Like you know Chad, like he is soo totally hot and like dreamy cute, like I would like to have him hang with our group like I think it would be great but like I don't know like if he is cool enough to hang with our group 'cus like I wouldn't want him to hang with us if he is not cool enough like he is totally smart and like studies all the time like he doesn't ever do anything wrong, like you know what I mean?" Without pausing, the conversation continues. "Like you know like I have been thinking alot about smoking, you know like Pot! But I don't know, like I think like it would be totally ok to smoke like 5 or 6 times, like I don't think it would hurt me or anything but like what would I think of myself like in my soul? You know, like would I think I was like a bad person like in 15 or 20 years, like I just don't know. Like almost all of my friends smoke but like I just don't know how I would feel in my soul. You know what I mean???" Another girl at the table finally opens here mouth and says "Well I smoked Pot last weekend." To this valley girl blurts out in a loud voice "Like Oh My God! Julie, like you smoked POT?" In her valley girl voice, pot became a two sylable word similar to pa-ot. "Like, what was it like? Like did you get high or stoned, like no," answering her own question, "you can't get high the first time you smoke it. Or did you, like what was it like and like who did you smoke with ? Now like I am totally going to have to smoke, like you were the only person I know that doesn't smoke and like I can't be the only one that like doesn't smoke, it wouldn't be cool." I thought to myself that I bet the perfect Chad didn't smoke, and so much for her soul, but the conversation continued. "Like, so who did you smoke it with? Girl number two answered "I smoked out with my Dad." Valley girl again blurts out "Like Oh My God, like Julie you smoked Pot with your Dad!!??" This time both 'pot' and 'dad' were two sylable words. At this point and wife and I had finished our lunch and had to go. This was a very good thing, because I was about to burst out in laughter at the conversation that we had been listening to. Just a wild guess but I would bet that the Valley Girl is not an English major and there is little chance of her being class valedictorian. Chances are that with her concern for her soul, that she is a Philosophy major with a minor in biblical Greek. Have a great day and may all of your lunch conversations be interesting. As an after thouht, I am sure that I left out a few dozens 'likes' in the retelling of the story but like you get the idea.

Toga, Toga

2006-10-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

Toga night came to the bar a few weekends ago and as you might expect, everyone had a good time. No one got out of control for a change which was somewhat refreshing. Toga attendence was quite good with a number of the party goers donning the obliquitory toga. Togas ranged from the traditional bed sheet to Tye-Dye to historical Roman in design. Wrecks and Effects, two of the more notable bartenders from the city were in attendance . They were there, wearing their designer togas to help make sure that everyone had a good time, and as usual, everyone did. .

Mom, Can I Stay Up 5 More Minutes, Please??

2006-10-17T11:22:00.000-05:00

Something that I have noticed after many years in the bar business is that there is that group of people who just simply don't want to go home at night. They will sit at the bar and struggle to come up with something to talk about rather than admit that it is time to go home. Now bars in this state are required by law to close at 2 AM if they possess a late hours permit. There have been times when I have closed early, say 1:30 instead of 2 and had customers who live within 3 minutes of the bar drive clear across town because there may still be a bar open that they can go sit in and talk some more. It is not because they need another drink, but rather they just can't shut the fuck up. I swear I am going to print up tee shirts that say " I'm Talking and I Can't Shut Up! ". A few nights ago the riveting conversation was on strange objects that your dog ate complete with graphic descriptions of pulling intact tube socks out of the ass of a basset hound down to and including the expression on the dogs face as this was being done. Last night the same gentleman went into a detailed discussion of potty training his current group of dogs. Jesus Christ, you are with a group of adults, read a newspaper and find something more stimulating to talk about than canine potty antics. North Korea just exploded a nuclear bomb, Venezuela and their leftist government want on the U N security council, illegal immigrants are pouring over the southern border of our country, national elections are only days away. Hell, Willie Nelson was arrested for pot possession a few weeks ago, again. When asked why they don't go home earlier in the evening, they will say that they are bored, read a book, watch a movie, get a girl or boy friend as the case may be. We will still be here tomorrow. How fucking bored do you have to be when talking about dogshit is a better option. People, please, get a life.

Cyber Communes in the Twenty-first Century

2006-10-12T12:52:00.000-05:00

I just spent some time cruising around Myspace when it dawned on me that it, along with all of the other blog sites, this one included, are a cyber commune of sorts. In the 'old days', that's the nineteen-sixties and seventies, people who wanted to share their life experiences lived in communes and touched flesh. Today with globalization, this doesn't really work so people have resorted to places like Myspace.com to share themselves with the world. The other nice thing about this is since there is no real contact between members, or very little, it is very sterile. You can be whoever you want to be. It gives you the oportunity to invent another life for yourself. That sounds so much better than saying that you are lying about yourself. Now please, I am not saying that everyone on these sites are inventing their lives, but it does allow for the individual to clean up and sanitize themselves for world consumption. In the 'old days' if you lived in a commune, people saw you for who you really were, not as you would like to be seen. A persons' beauty and personallity can be well crafted at a keyboard, no morning breath is evident, no bed-head, no unshaven legs or stubbly beards first thing in the morning. Just the beauty of the well crafted sentence. Just a thought, talk to you later.

Bettcha You Can't Catch Me. Wrong

2006-06-26T19:40:00.000-05:00

Early this morning shortly before 1:00 AM a customer came into the bar and walked over to a location across the bar from where I was standing behind the bar. He engaged me in conversation, introduced himself as a future idiot, and asked me if I remembered him as he used to come into my bar many years before when it was in a different location. I said that I did not remember him but we began talking about a mutual friend that used to work for me. He then asked if I had a Fat Tire beer, I served him one and he proceeded to sit down with two other people that entered the bar at about the same time as he did. I thought that they knew each other because they entered the bar at the same time. As it turned out, they were not acquainted. He began talking to them about the beer and stating that the first time he ever tried a Fat Tire was in my old location. I then excused myself and went into the back of the bar leaving my wife behind the bar.
Moments later, my wife came running into the back of the bar and told me that he had just taken the tip jar off of the bar and ran out of the door. The time was about 1:06 AM. There were a couple of customers sitting on the patio and witnessed him leaving with the jar in his hand. He reportedly laughed at them and stated “ Try and catch me.” and ran off the premises. They immediately began to pursue him across the street into the parking lot of of a neighboring business where he grabbed some of the cash out of the jar and then dropped the jar in the parking lot. One of my customers stopped to begin picking up the cash as the suspect ran across the side street and into a gas station parking lot. The customer that was still pursuing the individual happened to be an off duty police officer. At this time, a local city police cruiser happened to pull up at the intersection, one the three customers that had begun chasing the suspect stopped the police officer and explained to him what had just happened. At this point in time, I caught up to the customer who had just talked to the police and the officer also began to take part in the search. He circled in back of the gas station and then he and the off duty officer entered the Bank of America parking lot down the street. The off duty officer was on foot and the city officer was in his patrol car.
The bar customer, unfortunately, I can not remember his name, and I continued to walk down the main street toward the bank parking lot when the suspect reappeared from in back of the gas station and proceeded to walk casually across the street. We asked him to stop and he replied “I didn’t do anything, it wasn’t me that did it”. Can we say stupid? We called out for the police officers. He then began to run across the street in front of us and into the parking lot of a food store and we started chasing him. The customer that I was with, being in much better physical shape than I, caught up with the suspect, tackled him and took him to the ground in the food store parking lot. Moments later, the off duty officer arrived and aided the customer in securing the suspect on the ground until the police cruiser arrived, at which point the suspect was handcuffed and taken into custody. Just a note for future robbers, don't come into my bar and introduce yourself to me and name mutual friends and then while you are leaving, taunt a police officer and very well physically defined individuals to try and catch you. My bar has a large number of police officers that frequent may bar on their off duty hours, this is not a good place to commit crimes. This rather stupid individual got to spend the rest of the evening in jail facing criminal charges. What a dumbshit. Get a job and make your own tips, Jackass.

I Know Where You Are From

2006-06-24T14:45:00.000-05:00

Last week we had a new couple come into the bar. The first time they came in I happened to be away from the bar and the second time they caught me in residence. They each ordered a martini while they contemplated a bottle of wine. The bartender asked me if I could help them with a selection and they finally decided on a classico chianti reserva. As they sat and sipped their wine and listened to classic jazz, we engaged in conversation. Neither of them were from our little town, business concerns had brought them from other hamlets across the nation. Finally the young lady asked me, "Where are you from? Originally I mean". I told her that while I had lived here for many years, I was originally from New York. "Where in New York?", she asked. "Flushing, Queens", I responded. "Damn I knew it!" she blurted. "The first time I came in here I just knew whoever owned this bar had to be from New York and had lived near the city." The New York City for you uninformed infidels. She told me that the first time that she came in the bar, that the low lights, jazz in the background and the style of the bar convinced her that whoever owned this bar was from the city. She went on to tell me she had not been in a bar in the southern U.S. that exuded more of a New York feel than this little establishment. I was happy to have made her feel at home as she told me that she was originally from the south Bronx. They have been in almost nightly since this revelation. Hoo-ray for NYC, and customers with good taste. God bless them.

I'm Baaack !!

2006-04-16T12:46:00.000-05:00

Yes I am finally back on the blog. Life in the bar has been so crazy over the last few months that words have been hard to come by. I have been suffering from a major writers blog block I suppose. Since Mardi Gras people have just been plain crazy, maybe it is the coming of warm weather and spring fever. For the two weeks surrounding Spring Break, I had a hell of a time keeping the customers in their clothing. It seemed everytime I turned around, someone was trying to take something off. Whether it was to show of breast enhancements that a former husband had purchased or nipple piercing. I felt like all I was doing was telling people to pull their tops down or up as the case may be. I got to the point that I had a meeting with my staff asking them to do their best to keep everyone inside their clothing. I know this sounds ridiculous, especially coming from me, but I swear, it was getting out of hand. People have asked me why I have not published anything and all I can say is that I feel like a priest hearing confessions in a brothel. I would not know how or where to begin. There was the night that three girls came into the bar and started drinking and talking. The more thy drank, the more sexual their conversation became. Before long, they decided to go back to one of the womens' home for an all girl three-way. Then there was the group of women who had a competition to outdo each other in their sexual adventures. As far as I know, they got up to doing three different partners in an evening. I tell you, being a bar owner is difficult, but not very boring. Talk to you soon.

Even The Sober People Are Hungover

2006-03-03T13:18:00.000-06:00

Well Mardi Gras came and went once more and a good time was had by all. The morning after the party as my wife was attempting to get up, she made the pronouncement that "... even the sober people are hungover." As she does not drink at all but felt like she had. Everyone who was at the party did their best to see the impending season of Lent in with a great deal of partying. We had our own version of the Vagina Monologues during the evening and photos will be forthcoming soon. Hopefully I will have a full accounting of the evening up by the first of next week. .

Les-bee Friends

2006-02-27T13:49:00.000-06:00

Just when I think it has gotten as wierd as it can get, I am proven wrong. Again!!! This weekend one of my regular women came in the bar, ordered a drink and then proceeded to tell me about a very strange dream that she had during her previous nights sleep. She dreamt that she worked for me at the bar and really loved her job but because she had started seeing a new boyfriend and spending a great deal of time with him instead of being at the bar, I fired her. She said that she repeated tried to plead her case with me to get her job back but I was so angry with her that I would not even speak to her. At a loss for options on how to deal with me, she did the only think remaining tht she thought might help her out. She went directly to my wife to plead her case. She reported that in her dream, my wife listened to her side of the story very attentively and then told her that she would see that she got her job back if she did just one little thing. She would have to make love to my wife. As she really wanted her job back, she said she agreed. "Damn", she said, "Your wife is better than any man that I have ever been with! She did things to me that men have never even thought of. I had orgasm after orgasm!" She told me that I had one hell of a passionate wife. This is a new one for me. To the best of my knowledge, no one that I know has ever had a wet dream about my wife, or at least told me about it. Now I know that tomorrow is Mardi Gras and things typically get strange but so far, this one takes the cake. When I told my wife about the story, she laughed, commenting that I certainly collected some strange friends and why would they ever dream about having lesbian sex with a woman in her mid fifties. All of you Freudian afficiandos have fun with this one.

Crazy Days at the Bar

2006-02-23T19:20:00.000-06:00

The last several weeks at the bar have been a great deal of fun and crazines. A couple of weekends ago we hosted the after party for The Vagina Monologues which is performed yearly to support womens' issues and the fight against violence toward women. I don't think the bar has ever had so many women present that were so enthusiastic about their vaginas. It was refreshing. A few days later on the traditional Valentines Day we hosted The 213 Reasons Love Sucks Party. It was very well attended with the party guests being more than happy to list their additions to the reasons that love sucks.

Superbowl Party This Sunday

2006-02-02T12:23:00.000-06:00

Come join us this Sunday for our Super Superbowl party. We will be opening at 5 PM. Don't forget, only 26 days until Mardi Gras.

Frisked and Frisky Friday, or Whoever Has My Balls, Please Give Them Back

2006-01-22T13:32:00.000-06:00

Friday night was another one of those evenings that make you go Hmmm? It started out as a regular night with the regular group of irregulars all present and accounted forbut as the evening progressed.... One of our customers, Jim, is a wonderful pianist and brought a keyboard to entertain us. After he was finished tickling the ivories for the evening, a young lady who came with another gentleman found Jim and his talented fingers somewhat fascinating. She snuggled up to him at the bar and not too much later, they moved to the couch. Before long, they were engrossed in some rather enjoyable looking face sucking.

In the other part of the bar, afterall, this isn't just a one ring circus, one of my off duty bartenders was present and had obtained a customers American Express Black Card. Another customer decided he needed to see the somewhat rare form of plastic money. My bartender decided to play a game of hide and seek and rather quickly buried the magical card down in her bra. The young man, displaying some admirable slight of hand rather quickly produced the card from within my bartenders blouse. Then the chase was on, he fled out the back door with the young lady in hot pursuit. Within a short time they had circled the bar and reappeared through the front door this time. At this point, she was aided in her chase by a friend who was a female security guard. They finally cornered the gentleman and my bartender began to search him in another game of hide and seek. As she was unable to find the missing card, her friend took over the search and did a more more complete job. You might say that her search was performed with exterme prejudice. The card was at last discovered, recovered and returned to its' rightful owner. The young man later confided in me that it felt like one of the girls was playing racket ball with his balls. Forty love, game, set, and, apparently, they matched. As of last night, I am glad to report, most of his limp had disappeared. I have to say, just if you are wondering, all of this was done in fun.

Meanwhile back on the couch, the lip-locking having been concluded, the young couple moved back to the bar. At this point the infatuated lady began leaning across one of the young men that she arrived with to get to the other girl so that she could lay a lip-lock on her as well. With in moments, she was sitting on the other girls lap and they were engaged in a mild case of mutual groping in kissing. This girl was apparently going to get some action from someone that night. Before long, all four of them were onthe couch, the pianist, the two girls and the boy who brought them. Boy Girl, Boy Girl. This foursome continued to do and discuss I don't know what, but after a while, they broke it up. The two girls leaving with their original dates and the pianist went to breakfast with my visiting bartender and her ball groping security guard friend. Just another one of those dull Fridays at the bar. As a post script to all of this, I had a new bartender present this Friday who had just come in to get used to the bar and to soak up the atmosphere. Well I guess she got soaked, she said she was looking forward to working here, it wouldn't be dull.

Only 39 Days To Mardi Gras 2006

2006-01-19T11:52:00.000-06:00

There are only 39 days left before Mardi Gras.

Prepare yourself for the time of your life. The date is Tuesday February 28.

Laissez le Bon Temps Roulez

Can You Hear Me Now? Who Cares!

2006-01-08T13:11:00.000-06:00

What the fuck is today's obsession with constant communication? I remember a day when people used to go out to bars to get away from other people and use the time to unwind. Now most of the young people that come in the bar are freaked out if they have gone a few minutes without a communication from someone. You can see them there, sitting at the bar compulsively checking their phone every few minutes to see if someone has texted them with some unimportant piece of drivel. I find it somewhat amusing that we have now come full circle. We employ very expensive telephones, actually small computers that you can talk on, to send each other letters, because we need to communicate but we don't want to talk. Very strange. Every night I will see people come into the bar with their toys, order a drink, and then spend the majority of their time there either talking or texting someone who was not there. Absent that, they sit and surf the web with their styluses and diminutive screens. Last night, just before closing, a young man came into the bar to meet his friends for a quick drink before closing time. As he enters, he was one the phone, he nodded to his drinking buddies and went from phone call to phone call. His friends ordered him a drink as he could not get off the phone long enough to do it himself. This went on for close to fifteen minutes. When he finally got off the phone, his friends actually applauded. He then had to gulp done his drink because he was only moments from the mandatory drink confiscation time. Now I would like to know, what the hell could be so important at almost two o'clock in the morning that required this amount of communication.

A few weeks ago, I witnessed to people come in on a first date. They took the time to inform the bartender of this fact while ordering their drinks. Once this was accomplished, they each got the phones out and began calling other people to talk to. When the noise in the bar became too loud to comfortably use their phones, they moved out onto the patio where they would have more peace and quiet to continue their conversations with other people, not each other. They remained at the bar for about two hours and during this time, did not spend more than fifteen minutes talking to each other. The young lady finally had to stop when the batteries on her phone died. What a tragedy. Another instance of this mania happened a few weeks ago as well. One of our regulars announced that a lady friend of his was to be joining him on this particular evening for some drinks. Time went by and she did not arrive. I asked him if she was still coming as this was a week night, it was very slow and we were contemplating closing earlier than the the mandatory state closing time. He told me he would text her and determine her ETA. Another thirty minutes passed, no response from the young lady so I asked him if she was still planning on coming to the bar. He replied, "I think so, I will text her again." I suggested that he call the bitch as texting did not seem to be providing an answer. He stated that he really prefer texting because he hated talking on the phone. Now is that fucked up or what? I ask you? I waited a few more minutes as he refused to make the phone call but texted her one more time instead and then I pulled the plug and closed the bar. Enough of this bullshit. I have also witnessed people write a very inflammatory text message about someone that they are dissatisfied with, i.e. "That fucking bitch ..." and accidentally send it to the person that generated their angst and not the person that they intended it for. That shit doesn't happen when you are actually talking to someone.

There is a sadistic side to me appartently because I have this recurring thought about taking these people and placing them in a room with no cell phones for a period of time, two or three days would be more than sufficient and watch to my great amusement as they slowly regress into the fetal position. The other type of people that I find totally amusing are those that consider themselves too good to even use normal cell phones. These self important assholes walk around all day pretending to be a science officer from Star Trek with an earpiece stuck in their ear and mumbling to themselves. The really good ones are those that have to use both of their arms while talking using wild arm gestures to emphasize and direct their conversations. As if the people on the other end of the phone could tell. I believe that a great number of these people really are certified imbeciles and their physicians give them these devices in an attempt to camouflage their mental malady from society. It does not work, you people still look and act like idiots. Get a life people. Damn!!! It is a telephone, not your life.

The Cum Queen Comes Clean

2006-01-03T13:08:00.000-06:00

Last night was another of those wonderfully enlightening nights at the bar. One of our regular patrons, Christine, came in for her first visit of the year. She was joined by an old boyfriend and his somewhat current girlfriend. They ordered a round of drinks and began visiting with the others at the drinking trough. Everything was progressing normally and I was discussing some plans for the upcoming Mardi Gras party in February with a good friend Mark, when Christine joined us and our conversation for a few moments. Suddenly there was a very large segue in our dialogue as Christine announced that she thought that her job destiny lay in the field of sex therapy. This immediately stopped my friend and I in our current conversation as she proclaimed her wish to find a way to make all couples content and happy with each other through better sex.

She went on to say that she thought that the amount of infidelity amongst couples, both married and just dating was deplorable and thought that this was mainly due to a lack of imaginative and creative sexual technique and practice on their part. It was her belief was based on all of these couples problems stemmed from boring sex. She then went on to say that all couples should get "Cliff Note Virgins" rather than "Version" for a happy and productive sex life. At this we all laughed at her Freudian misstatement. Perhaps these couples were indeed looking for Cliff Note Virgins for their infidelity. Mark and I both being married tried to explain to her that this might be true to some small degree but most of the problems with couples originated from the pressures of everyday life and the financial pressures that this brings to the table. This coupled with the fact that couples know how and where to press the buttons to get under each others skin. It is my personal belief that a great deal of infidelity is caused not by the fact that couples no longer love each other but rather they are looking for a relationship that is based strictly on fun, sex and sharing without any of the everyday problems in their life seeping into the new relationship that they initiated. We then briefly delved into the idea that man as a species was not meant to be monogamous but rather polygamous. Our society and religion has made man monogamous rather than polygamous as nature and evolution may have dictated. It is perhaps this primal instinct that is present in some that leads people to cheat.

This comment having been said, a few of us retired to the patio to enjoy the unbelievably warm evening for the 2nd of January. While outside, she decided she needed to try her hand, or mouth, as the case may be with the beer schlong and some Shiner Bock. She was somewhat disappointed that they was not able to deep throat the entire schlong but I reassured her that she had done a most admiral job. Afterall, the schlong is somewhat larger than most peoples reality. She then assured me that she had no problems with the real thing and suggested to the group that if the men would eat Kiwi before hand, it gave the resultant love juice a rather sweet, fruity overtone. Now we have had a great number of wine tastings here and discussed the nuances of flavor on the palate but I believe that this was the first cum tasting analysis that I have ever attended. Once we were finished with the phallus tasting notes, Christine really began to regale us with the intimate facts of her own sexlife if we hadn't already heard plenty. How many times a day she enjoys masturbating and so forth. She and her old boyfriend then began to discuss and remember somewhat fondly the time they spent together and their forays into BDSM. Her preference for nipple biting, candle wax dribbling and spanking. At this, some of the individuals on the patio returned to the bar as this was TMI for them. The rest of us just sat there and listened to this rather interesting dialogue from these two former lovers. The funny part of this is that Christine normally comes across as a very prim and proper young lady, nothing like the person that she was describing to us. With rather explicit detail described the proper technique and timing that she preferred for clitoral stimulation along with G-spot stimulation, what her favorite mechanical encumburances were and which were not. How long it normally took her to achieve orgasm when she masturbated and on average, how many times a day she took care of her needs, a very admirable four times a day. Her boyfriend interjected that she was not quite telling the truth on this matter as he knew the real number to be somewhat higher. As a college student, she must have a very full day but then it is a good way to relieve the stresses of higher education.

After this she then polled the rest of the group as to their own sexual performance, masturabatory attitudes and techniques and personal libidoes. As I was the oldest person in the group, being in my fifties and having been married to the same woman for over thirty years, I was obviously interrogated. Did I still have and active sex life, was my libido still intact and did I still masturbate regularly? The answers, well, if you weren't there, you will just have to guess. Christine then started asking us about female ejaculation and was somewhat disturbed by the fact that this was one thing that she was not able to achieve and wanted to know if any of us knew anyone who was capable of this sexual feat. I told her that I knew at least one person who posessed this particular talent. Her old boyfriend made the comment that he thought all woman were capable but had just not learned the technique. There was some dissention in the group on this point with various opinions being expressed. By this point in the evening, Two A.M. was quickly approaching and the conversation began to find down. One of the other woman in the group left us with the parting thought that she also wished that female ejaculation was part of her sexual reportoire. Her husband promised to help her with the problem and they left. Tabs having been paid, designated drivers then worked at getting their various friends loaded into their vehicles for the journey home. Just when I think I will have a boring night, someone always cums to the rescue. Have a good one.

An Oh, So Special, New Years Morning

2006-01-01T13:10:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year everyone. Last night turned out to be the most enjoyable New Years Party that we have ever had at the bar. Although it certainly was not the busiest that we have have, it was great. The night started out predictably slow as they usually do on nights such as this, but slowly the patrons began to appear. Everyone was in good spirits and enjoying the evening. As usual, at midnight, there was the usual celebration accompanied by cell phones ringing with people not present, wishing each other a happy new year. Shortly after midnight, a number of the people began leaving the bar as they felt that they had done their duty and seen the new year in. A few others arrived from other parties that they had been attending and this is when the night began to become memorable.

One of the musicians, Mike who plays at the bar stopped by with his wife, followed by another friend, Seth, who happens to be a wonderful cellist and who also plays occassionally at the bar. Seth is also about to finish his masters in music composition and is incredibly gifted. They asked me if I had any objection to them playing a couple of tunes as they both had their instruments with them. "Hell no", I said "go right ahead". In they marched with their instruments and after a few moments of the customary tuning began what was probably some of the most enjoyable music that I have ever had the good fortune to hear. The group at the bar had by now dwindled down to a total of six people as it was approaching One A.M. The four of us sat in the dimly lit room and began listening to the most unbelievably beautiful sound coming from an acoustic guitar and a cello. I have listened to a great deal of music over the last half century but have never heard anything as rich and wonderful as what these two gentlemen where producing. The lush, rich tones of the cello counterposed and complimented the guitars' melody and it was magic. Seth with his awesome ear for music, just folded his cello into the ebb and flow of Mikes' guitar and vocals. What a glorious jam session was in progress. These two gentleman had never played together before, I am not even sure if they had even met each other before this morning, but this is something that I aim to change. These to will perform together again at my establishment if I have anything to do with it. I was actually glad that we had no more customers arrive at the bar. We sat there, eyes closed, drinking in the sound and it was intoxicating. Although the bartender and I had to this point in the evening, not had anything to drink, we both felt almost buzzed, deliriously happy and calm, sitting there, lost in the music. Shortly before Two, I finally opened a bottle of Volnay from Burgundy and my bartender and I toasted the new year with a glass and listened to the last of the music while sipping a wine that was as rich and beautiful as the music that was filling the air. The clock became our enemy as it approached Two A.M. and we knew that this would have to come to an end. It made me feel as if I was sitting in a jazz club in the 1950's or 60's in Greenwich Village, listening to the the musical greats of that era, early in the pre-dawn hours. Transported to a different place and time. No one was speaking, we just sat, and listened, and wished the night would not have to end.

To all of you that were at the traditional noisy New Years Eve parties, I hope you had a good time. I am sorry that you could not have experienced the musical joy that we shared early this morning but at the same time, I am glad that your noise and revelry was miles away from the six us us on this oh so special New Years morning. As a note, the photos in this story are from other evenings and not this morning.

Role Reversals

2005-12-30T11:23:00.000-06:00

Come on guys, this is getting embarassing. You are all acting like little girls from the fifties and sixties. If a girl smiles at you or talks to you, or kisses you, that does not mean that she wants to go to bed with you. It just means that she was being polite or at the very most friendly. Afterall, who initiated the kiss? You did, I bet, not her. Not every woman in a bar wants to sleep with you just because they are in a bar. You might want to fuck all the women in the bar, but it is most definitely a one sided opinion. Just because they are physically capable to does not mean they have to.

I remember when I was a teenager many decades ago that girls quite often would act that way. "Oh my God, he talked to me." It wasn't a big F'in deal back then and it isn't one now. Stop obsessing about women that are not interested in you. If they are interested, they will let you know. They can be friendly without wanting to sleep with you. Your percentage of sexual good fortune would most likely rise dramatically if you stopped walking into the bar, mentally holding your dick and looking for your next target. Sex is not an acquisition game. It is about love, caring and respect. You may just be horny, tired of your marriage, or recently divorced, but grudge fucking the county does not change the fact that you were in a bad relationship that probably would not have happened if you entered into the relationship with your eyes open instead of your dick hard. If you are still married, a strange piece of ass is not going to fix it. Just spend the time that you are out trying to get laid on fixing the marriage that you have. How old do you have to get to figure this out. Your silliness in this matter have given women the obvious upper hand, not that they haven't had it all along, but now it is so painfully obvious. Lets take things back to the fifties or sixties when men acted like men and not little boys who just discovered something hard between their thighs and feel like they need to stick it in an unwilling woman.

A word to woman as well, let you intentions, or lack of them be clearly known. Horny men are not the sharpest knives in the drawer and can easily misinterpret your attentions. If you are not interested in an advanced relationship, don't send mixed messages. Don't hang out with them all night if you have no romantic intentions. A large number of men are not smart enough to play your games. If you have a man that is acting obsessive about you, cut off all relations and contact with them. Don't go out with them, eat with them or talk to them, and definitely don't let them buy you anything. I know that it is most likely great sport for you, but it very similar to setting up a deer feeder all year long, feeding the deer and then opening day going out and busting a buck. That is not hunting, it is target shooting. Be a responsible hunter, diligently persue the quarry you really want and be kind to the rest of the herd. Afterall, they are just dumb animals.

Decent Debauchery

2005-12-20T12:11:00.000-06:00

The other night the Holiday spirits were following and so was the good cheer. A young professional couple met at the bar for a few cocktails after a hard days work. They seemed to have a preference for single malt scotches and each other. After spending a decent amount of time drinking away the troubles of the day, they left the bar, or so we thought. Two gentleman were standing outside the bar sucking up some badly needed nicotine when one of them very politely opened the door and asked me to step outside as he needed to speak to me. I obliged his wishes and stepped outside. At this point he again very politely asked me to look over his shoulder and into the parking lot.

No, it wasn't Santa and his reindeer that I spied but rather the young couple, leaning up against the side of his car and he was in the process of sharing some Christmas cheer with his young female companion. She accomodated him by lifting her skirt while he had undone his pants. There they were, in the middle of the parking lot, right under the the security light and he was definitely banging the hell out of her. He thrusted away, she recoiled rythmically into the side of his car. When he was finished giving her her Christmas goose, they repaired their clothing to its pre-carnal positions and retired into his car for a few moments. After this, they decided to return to the bar for a last nightcap before heading on their way. The general comment of those patrons at the bar was why didn't they have the good taste to use the restroom like everyone else.

Annual Christmas Party 2005

2005-12-20T12:05:00.000-06:00

This past Friday was another wonderful Christmas Party. The normal cast of regular irregulars were all present and accounted for. The grinch made an apppearance along with one of his candy canes. Father Christmas and Marilyn Monroe also stopped by. We had a Who-Ho from Whoville show up to spread some christmas cheer and 'Angel' form RENT attired in his/her Christmas garb. Afterall, as the songs says, "Now we don our Gay apparrel". To all that made the party such a wonderful success, I want to say thank-you. For those of you that did not attend, you screwed up and missed one hell of a party. By the end of the evening, we had alla wonderful time with the usual amount of Christmas Goosing, Bar Licking and other festivities. Feel free to peruse the pictures below to get a sense of the evening. I will allow you to right your own captions, sometimes that is more fun. I will see The Grinch getting his Christmas goose, thirsty girls at the bar, a thirtsy, beer swilling Ghost of Christmas Past and the fabled Beer Schlong in action.

Go See RENT

2005-12-01T10:49:00.000-06:00

RENT. If you have not already seen this movie, by all means, go and see it. RENT is a very good movie with a message. Yes it is not your typical holiday feel good movie but it is worth seeing. It is funny and sad and artsy as well, and how often do you get to see a musical about sick and dying people. It discusses a very important aspect of our society which we do not have to contend with very often considering where we live, but it is there all the same. This movie makes you appreciate what you have and in that way might fit into the holidays. Watch it and be thankful for your life, health and love this holiday season.

Strange Thanksgiving Day Thought

2005-11-24T20:22:00.000-06:00

One of my bartenders texted me with the folowing thought for the day. "If the Indians had shot cats instead of turkeys, we would all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving." Food for thought on this beautiful Thanksgiving Day. Hope you have all had a wonderful day.

Halloween Comes To The Bar

2005-10-31T18:35:00.000-06:00

Saturday Night, Halloween came to the bar with the usual crazies. We had the good, the bad and the ugly. In other words, a typcal night.

One of my bitches, Dark Angel, began the night by asking a passing priest for forgiveness. "Forgive me father, for I will sin", she began the evening at least with a plan for her future. She knew that she would have a busy night in front of her. A little later in the evening, another one of my bitches, the green fairy, decided to try and corrupt this heavenly envoy with a little drink and hey, hey, hey. The priest remained good to his vows for a while as he was strong in the Lord and he would not give into temptation. My bitches would certainly have their work cut out for them on this night.

Amoung the people that came by on this night that were incorruptable included Richie Cunningham's mother. She was a pillar of virtue and was not to be swayed by the nights activity. She did have a toddy or two but did so in all fifties moderation and dignity. It was refreshing to a few people of good morals and character present as it gave my girls a challenge. Many others came and enjoyed the activityies of the evening. One of those that stopped by was Darth Vader. He used the force to determine where a good party was to be found. He was a real party animal and agreed to sing with the band. They were definitely in need of a good breathy bass and they found one in Darth. I never knew he was so musical. Our pillar of virtue, the priest continued to try and reform sinners at the bar with predictable results. Some people at a bar do not want to find salvation that way. After a while, the now very dejected minister of faith decided to drown his sorrows with a few drinks and started to make fun of Darth. This is not a good thing to do as Darth has a very short fuse. They were seen discussing who would pick up the bar tab for the evening. Th minister lost the toss by the way. After seeing it Darths' way, the young minister decided that he really did want to pick up the tab for himself and Darth. My two bitches for the evening consulted with me about our intergalactic guest as they had never met anyone naughtier than they were. After some guidence, they decided to introduce themselves to the dark lord and feel his power. After some brief monetary discussions, Darth was more than happy to share his real force with Dark Angel. Something that she was very pleased with.

The Dark Lord definitely was glad he came to the party and party his ass off he did. He took complete advantage of my women of the night and I guesss it could be said that he partied a little too hard with my girls. By the end of the evening, a good time was had by all and it was time for some well deserved rest. Darth may be one of the rulers of the dark side but he was obviously undone by my bitches and bartenders' drinks. As the night drew to an end, I met back up with my ladies of the evening and as usual, my bitches had all my money. A good time was had by all and if you missed it, you missed out.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

2005-10-24T15:16:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, be happy. The famous mantra of Mr. Bobby McFerrin from his song in the 1980's. This really fit the conversation at the bar the other evening. There was a young co-ed at the bar who was in some distress and bewilderment about her chosen college degree and whether or not that this was what she really wanted to do for the rest of her life. It was ovious that the degree that she was persuing was not making her happy. I often think that we all have to make life long career decisions way too early in our lives. We quite often wind up doing what our parents or grandparents programed into us from a very early age. Not everyone needs to go to college straight out of high school. I believe that getting a job and experiencing life for a couple of years would aide more people in making the proper life choices. There is no way that most seventeen or eighteen year olds know what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I have seen so many people come into the bar in the evenings after work and you can tell that they are miserable with their lives and jobs. They feel trapped by the constraints of marriage or family or even if they are single, they have spent so much money getting to where they are that they can't afford to quit and persue what would really make them happy.

I have been lucky, I suppose in that I have been able to follow my heart and work at several different careers in my life. I have worked as a geologist, and environmental chemist, a photographer, a farm and rancher, a dairyman, an owner/chef of a couple of restaurants and a bar owner to name some of them. Sometimes the most unexpected things will bring you enormous satisfaction and joy. When I was much younger, before I bought the laboratory where I was working, my wife and I found ourselves with our second newborn daughter at home we found ourselves in need of more income. In a strange turn of events, serendipity I suppose, a dairyman that I had been doing feed analysis for called me one day and asked me if there was anyway that I could help him out. All of his milking staff had left him to go home to Mexico for a while to visit their families. Always up for new and strange challenges, I said sure, when do you need me? Be out here about three-thirty tomorrow morning and we will get started. Boy, did we get started. Three-thirty the next morning found me standing in a milking barn with 225 bovine ladies standing outside the door with swollen udders, waiting impatiently to give up their liquid treasure. We finished the last group of cows about seven-thirty in the morning and it was time for me to head home, take a quick shower and go to work at the lab. Ed asked me to be back about four in the afternoon. Four-thirty was about the best I could do and still keep my lab bosses happy. Four thirty came and it was time to slap the milking machines back on the ladies once more. In the evenings I stayed later and helped him clean the milking parlor and bottle feed about twenty five baby calves. I would then stop at my farm on the way home, check on my livestock and then go home to shower once more and fall into bed about eleven thirty and get back up about two-fortyfive to start the day all over again. Maybe this is why to this day I prefer small breated women. I have spent enough time with big boobs. This went on seven days a week, the only difference being that the laboratory was closed on weekends so I only had to milk and catch up on all of the chores waiting for me on my own farm. This went on for a couple of months until his help returned from the south.

After this, it became know around the county that I was an experienced milker and began being a relief milker for dairyman in the county that had to go out of town for one reason or another. I then went on to be a tester for the states' Dairy Herd Improvement Association which involved going to all of the dairies in the surrounding counties once a month and taking milk samples from each cow, twice a day, one from each milking, and sending them off to be tested for protein and milkfat content. Now all dairies milk their cows twice a day but they don't all chose to do it at the same times. There was one dairy that liked to milk at eleven AM and eleven PM so that they could watch the Tonight Show on a television that they had in the milking parlor. I would come home at three in the morning and find my wife sitting in a rocking chair nursing our daughter as I would sort milk samples and prepare them for shipping to the state agricultural lab. These had to be without a doubt the hardest times that I ever worked but they were the most happy and satisfying times of my life. I felt like I was doing something and was beng productive and definitely providing for my family.

Enough of this segue, none of this is what I had envisioned in my youth. I have been lucky enough to find happiness in the jobs that I have done. I felt great compassion for this young lady as she sat in the bar and dicussed her options with a local college professor. He gave her what I cosidered to be very good advice. Follow her heart and not necessarily your expectations of a future bank balance in deciding what she wanted to do with her life. Take some time off if necessary to discover what she really wanted to do with her life. Education is way too expensive these days to waste on unwanted degrees. I do not know what her decision will be but he left her with the advice of "Don't worry, be happy in what you do in life and what you do." It has worked for him and it has worked for me. We are all on this planet for much to short a time to spend most of it being unhappy.

Here's The RUB-ber

2005-10-20T02:41:00.000-05:00

Just got home from the bar where we had another interesting conversation tonight on one of those topics that you never plan for. There were a couple of college coeds sitting on the patio and I honestly don't remember what brought it up, moving apartments, I think, but the next thing I know, we are all engaged in a condom conversation. One of the girls I believe mentioned that she had been moving apartments with the help of her parents when the coney island whitefish were discovered by her mom and dad under her bed. The other girl then allowed that a similar situation had occured with her and her parents as well.

At one point in my life, I had thought about putting a condom store in our city in close proximity to the very conservative religious college in town. The school does not believe that drinking, sex, or drugs occur with their students, at least not publically. The name of the condom shop was going to be what else but Condom-Nation, a completely revealing name for the product sold and the viewpoint of the college. I beieve in truth in advertising.

Anyway, this brought about a conversation on their use and even if they have an expiration date. They do by the way, but if you get to it, you obviously aren't having much sex. Both girls very quickly admitted to the fact that they used them but did not like to. They both thought that there is nothing romantic about a condom, particularly when you are finished using it. This reminded me of a crazy cheap friend of mine, he was happily married at the time and he and his wife used condoms as a birth control method. Ok, so what. Well this guy was such a frugal fucker that he would rinse them out, dry them and re-use them. I will never forget the day that I went into the bathroom in their house to relieve myself when to my surprise was a collection of rubbers hanging up drying in between his wifes pantyhose. There are some things in life that should definitely only be used once and thrown away. The girls then went on to discuss their favorite brands, Lifestyles, Trojans, Magnums, Natural Lambs, or dental dams, ribbed or not ribbed, knobby or not. The one young lady stated that she and her boyfriend would change around because using the same type became boring, she and her friend must be real condom connoisseurs. Her amorous beau would wear a different type from night to night and let her guess what he was using. That sounded like an interesting new bedtime game, Stump the Hump or the Humpie. Anyway the long and the short of it was, no pun intended, that even though neither of the girls found them to be particularly pleasant to deal with, they both agreed that it beat a pregnancy or an STD. Kudos and Condoms for both of them.

Is It Out Of Your System?

2005-10-19T09:14:00.001-05:00

A few days ago I made the decision to close the bar and take a whole day off. I would not go to the bar for any reason. My wife and I were going to just spend the day around the house doing nothing or whatever suited our fancy, as long as it did not include going to the bar. I have realized that it has been over two years since I have taken a day off to do nothing. Oh, I normally take two or three days off a year but they are to do things. Take thirty six hours off to move my daughter to college some 360 miles from here or take two whole days off to go see her graduate and to meet her future in-laws. I even took a day off this year to see her get married. I open the bar on Christmas, New Years Day, and Easter, people need to drink. When I say I don't take a day off, I mean it. But this was the first day I took off to do nothing. I have to tell you it was glorious. To be able to wake up in the morning and not have to specifically go do something, my God, it was wonderful. Everyone should try it. Actually, I think most other people do. My oldest daughter moved to New York City almost five and a half years ago. We have never taken the time off to go see her. This is greatly upsetting to both my daughter and to my wife and I. Now that I have taken a day off, I think that we will close the bar for a few days and go see her and her new husband as well. Soon. Having a day off was liberating. My God, I feel good.

One of my customers asked me how my day off was the other night and I told him that it was great. His reply was "Well good, I am glad you got that out of your system." Well to be perfectly honest, I have not. I believe that my wife and I will probably take several more days off in the future, once a week would be nice. I feel so decadent, now that I know how the other half lives. I think I will call these my "Customer Liver Recovery Days", my taking a day off is a public service to livers everywhere. Probably not, they will all just find somewhere else to drink for the day. Oh well, sacrifices must be made.

One For The Ladies

2005-10-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

Here you go girls. After many comments about the predominence of the female figure on the blog. Ladies, this one is for you. No, sorry, he is not the new bartender. He is just an old friend and former employee from my restaurant. Try not to drool on the screen. It makes it hard to read. Have a great day and sweet dreams.

Come Pee With Me.

2005-10-16T22:41:00.000-05:00

A little while ago, one of my bartenders gave me call as she had a few minutes and needed to return my phone call from a couple days ago. She was pulling into a local Wallmart to do some shopping for her boyfriend and thought she would take the time to bring me up to date on her life in general and her weekend in particular. As we were talking, I noticed that her voice changed form the normally muted telephone sound to suddenly being in an echo chamber. "I've got to pee" she commented rather matter of factly as she continued her conversation. As a subtext, or overtone, I suppose, to our conversation, there was the sound of cascading urine, gushing into the toilet, enhanced by the echo-like nature of the room that she was occupying. She really needed to go! This was followed by the characteristic industrial whoosh of the public toilet as it flushed.

I suddenly started to laugh as it occured to me that I had now at least listened to all of my female employees take a leak. A couple of them while they were on the phone, and in one instance, in person. In this one case, while at a party together, one of the young ladies insisted that I accompany her to at least the open door of the bathroom so we could continue our conversation without interuption. When I told her that she could go by herself, she commented that going to the bathroom was a very lonely activity. Well, some things in life are best done alone, at least most of the time. My wife says that I know my employees too well and sometimes are involved too deeply in their lives. Maybe she is right.

Temptations In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida - Part Two

2005-10-16T17:47:00.000-05:00

....and sometimes give into one more romantic liason when they shouldn't as well. On the subject of romantic liasons, women seem to be more aggressive, or at least more in control of sexual destiny than the men. Sorry guys, but it is the truth, perhaps because all of the cards are in their laps, so to speak. Men can only find a lover for the evening if they are lucky enough to find a willing woman whereas women can always find love because the sea of love is filled with so many willing men, just waiting to be taken. Speaking from the womans point of view, it is a buyers market.

The problem is that some women and men go on shopping sprees without thought to their futures. It is all about the orgasm of the moment and who they can wrap their legs around tonight. It's my best friends boyfriend or girlfriend, fuck it, I'm horny and they are available. Some people use no common sense. It is all about the here and now, they never give a thought to tomorrow, much less the fututre. Being in a bar some nights is like watching a cage full of horny hamsters. One of my bartenders relayed to me last night that a young lady she knows has had sexual relations with at least three different men this week. That was before Saturday because she had not talked to her since Friday, so by now, the count maybe higher, who knows. All of the interludes her friend had included unprotected sex. Jesus Christ people, I know I have said this before, but use a condom. You are all playing Sexual Russian Roulette. When unprotected, you are effectively having sex with every partner that your current partner has had sex with. Do the math people, the numbers become very large, very quickly.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life taking a Herpes medication or even worse yet, AZT tablets and the rest of the suite of HIV/AIDES pharmaceuticals that you will be taking in an effort to stay alive. Yes, I am passionate about this subject. You will probably hear me rant about it in the future as well. Sexually transmitted diseases as well as unwanted pregnancies can be virtually 100 percent prevented with the use of a little common sense and the common condom. When you reach the point of not being able to remember the names of everyone that you have slept with, common sense is problably not high on your list of admirable qualities. Be as promiscuous as your crotch desires, just be careful. Go ahead, enjoy yourself, your physical abilities, your passions and your sex. Fuck your brains out, some of you are living proof that an obvious loss of gray matter is possible through this activity, just take the necessary precautions today so that you have a good tomorrow as well.

Temptations In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida - Part One

2005-10-16T17:27:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't already know, the 1968 recording of Iron Butterflys' In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida was a slurring of the phrase, "In the garden of Eden". Now that this little bit of useless music trivia has been resolved, we can get to the meat of this posting. I feel as this is the one month aniversary of this Blog, there are a couple things that I need to get off of my chest so that there will be more months to follow. For many people a bar represents a type of 'Garden of Eden', the apples of temptation abound everywhere. There are pleasures everywhere to be found in bars, but there are also serious temptations. As a side note, the picture to the left that I took and chose for this post is one of my wife's favorite images. I just thought it fit the topic. No, it is not my wife, my wife is blonde. It could have been her a few years ago however, when she was younger, she was fucking awesome. In her maturity, she is still awesome. Just ask anyone who has ever dealt with her.

When you mix wine, women and song if you are a guy; or booze, boys and boogey if you are a gal, all kinds of things can happen. People give into the temptation of one more drink when they probably should not have another and sometimes give into one more romantic liason when they shouldn't as well.

Every bar makes their income from the selling of alcoholic beverages to their customers, this is no news flash, but we are responsible for your safety and well being while under the effects of the alcohol that you consume. Please try and help us out by trying to use a little self discipline in your consumption. Most of you are very good at this and don't require any intervention from the bartenders to limit your intake. Unfortunately there are those of you out there that are, and I am going to use the "A" word now, Alcoholics. It is a disease, an illness if you like. It is not a social disorder, or just bad form. If you can't find some degree of alcoholic bliss, aka, a buzz after the consumption of a couple of cocktails, you probably have a problem. If you can't remember last night while drinking, you really have a problem. Please get some help or sooner, rather than later, the police department and the courts will be more than happy to help you. You are not bulletproof, it is just a matter of time. The little cars with all of the flashing lights will eventually find you. Worse than that, you run the risk of killing yourself and or uninvited participants to your party because you are driving during your period of alcoholic misjudgement. I have a good friend who just recently spent ten months as a guest of the state while they were showing him the errors of his ways. I happen to know what I am talking about from personal experience. Many years ago, I drank way too much and on many ocassions arrived home not remembering where I had been. This happened only through the grace of God and a guardian angel that must have been the size of King Kong. I was my own worst enemy. I was never pulled over by the police and was never involved in any accidents, but I was incredibly lucky and quit while I was ahead. I quit over indulging because of the love that I had for my future wife. My drinking made her very nervous and unhappy. I said she was awesome, she probably saved my life. Not everyone will be as lucky as I was. Find a reason to slow down, don't quit altogether though, I still need the business. The bar business is a double edged sword, to provide people with enough of a drug, alcohol, so that they can enjoy themselves but not too much where they can hurt themselves or others.

If you find that you need to drink yourself into oblivion for whatever reason, please do it in the relative safety of your home. Not out in public. No one wants to watch, or put up with your drunk ass while they are out trying to have a pleasant evening with their spouse or friends. You will be more than welcome to stay at the bar and consume coffee or water or soft drinks between the consumption of the more adult preception changing beverages. If you are really there to visit with your friends, it does not require that you continually have an adult beverage in front of you. If people make comments about what you are drinking, it is only out of jealousy for your obvious possesion of wisdom. You won't insult us or any bartender/bar owner anywhere by pacing your consumption. You just make our jobs easier.

There are little hints that we can use in determining when you have had enough. Falling off of your barstool is a dead give away. Falling asleep at the bar, or meditating, as we like to call it, is another way of telling, especially when it is only Six PM. Going to the restroom to vomit is another favorite. Chances are, if this happens, you have had enough. There is that particular class of alcoholic that I like to call the bulemic alcoholic. They drink way too much, go vomit, and then drink some more. That might work at your house, but not at my bar. There are many other little signs of when it is time to call it quits. When you come in the bar already so drunk or drugged up that forming words becomes a real challenge, you are not getting served. Cursing at the bartender for another beverage is also a good indication that you are past your limit, are cut off and need a ride home. Some people slide slowly into drunkedness while others appear to be fine one minute and then just fall right off of the cliff into a sea of stupor. These are the difficult people to monitor. They're good, then they're gone. When we cut you off, we are not being mean, it is for your well-being and ours. This is one of the few businesses where the business owner or his staff has to stop a customer from spending money and adding to their business profits. Fast food restaurants don't face this issue. You're still hungry, fine, have another hamburger. No one is at risk of going to jail here because you are a glutton. In a bar, we are, serve someone too much and the server gets to go to jail and spend a lot of their money to get back out. I have a dream, I would like to live my whole life without going to jail, not even once. Call me silly.

I have often thought of video taping certain people that come to the bar, not for any legal reasons, but solely so that I can show them, while they are still sober, what they look like later in the evening. Maybe the reality of seeing themselves under the effects of their illness would help them to see the light. Nope, wouldn't happen, they would just want a drink while they thought about it. Ninety eight percent of all the people that come into the bar are delightful to deal with, it is only those very few that make the night very long. I love the business that I am in but I have to be honest, these few people make this job something that I think about leaving from time to time. To but it simply, our society has been altered sociologically to an extent that no one feels that they are responsible for their actions anymore. It is always someone elses fault. Whether it pertains to what they drink or who they sleep with. As the owner of a business, I don't mind being responsible for my actions, but I do resent having to be responsible for your misjudgements. The law requires that you have to be an adult to consume alcoholic beverages, so how about acting like one. You you live a longer, happier, healthier life, and so will my staff, myself, and bar owners everywhere.

One Month of Blogging

2005-10-16T12:54:00.000-05:00

Today marks the completion of one month of blogging. Blog-blog, blog-blog, blog. The first month has been interesting for me and I look forward to the future. I can only hope that you have enjoyed my ramblings so far. More to come, stay tuned. Same Blog channel, same Blog time.

Here's Your Sign

2005-10-13T20:10:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on the patio with a number of my customers this afternoon when one of the gentleman decided to relay the story of a very stupid remark that he wife of a friend of his made recently. We had been talking about the stupid things that people say sometimes without thinking. In this particular story, the friend of his had been flying into some small airport in the west and as they were landing and rolling to a stop, a deer ran onto the runway and collided with the plane. The plane was stopped out on the runway and the passengers had to wait for transportation to take them into the terminal. While he was waiting for the bus to come and pick him up he decided to call his wife and tell her of the incident. He told her the plane ran into the deer and her response was to ask if the plane was on the ground at the time. Here's her sign, "STUPID". He told her no, they ran into santa on his sleigh running a test flight before christmas.

This reminded me of a bartender that worked for me a few years ago. Chrissy was not the sharpest knife in the drawer as this story will reveal. On the tragic afternoon of September 11, 2001, my wife and I were carrying a television set into the bar so that my customers could keep abreast of the changing news events of the day. Chrissy was at the bar when we arrived and upon seeing the television asked me if there was a football game that evening. I asked her if she had not heard the news of the day? "No", she replied stating that she had been at school all day and not heard the news. Wrong, along with not being very sharp, she also was given to story telling, bold faced lying, to be more correct. I immediately told her that two commercial jetliners crashed into the World Trade Center, a third crashed into the Pentagon and a forth crashed in western Pennsylvania. As an answer to this statement, complete with her large brown doe eyes, she asked innocently, "Was anyone hurt?" Jesus Christ! How stupid can you be. I retorted rather sarcastically, "No, everyone in New York got off the planes and took the elevators to the ground floor." I should have fired her on the spot for saying the dumbest thing that I have ever heard.

This same young dimwit used to use the tab sheets as a diary of sorts writing down all kinds of inappropriate stream of consciousness. She would write about how I was an asshole for not letting her take a Friday night off at the last minute for a date or how well endowed her lastest boyfriend was, or sometimes wasn't. She would write about how the other bartenders were jerks, when she knew, or should have known, that we all looked at the nightly tab sheets. Her best piece of literature however was when she wrote about getting up early on one morning and instead of eating and going to her classes or going to the gym to work out, she decided to go back to bed and masturbate for forty-five minutes. This gave the whole bar a pretty good chuckle. She was a real piece of work. Entertainment, in the form of stupid people are all around us, you just have to look, but you don't have to look too far.

Missing In Action

2005-10-13T12:59:00.000-05:00

It is always funny and strange at the same time concerning how people flow in and out of the life of a bar. There will be customers that are as regular as a heart beat for a period of over four years. Then with no apparent reason, or motivation, they move on, sometimes never to be seen again. They did not give up drinking, they just move on to another bar, in one case, just three blocks down the street. Sometimes this can be good. At first you are worried that you have lost a good friend and valuable customer and then slowly it becomes evident that since a particular person left, all of a sudden, your business increases. I would like to send a thank you note but that would probably be rude, crude and socially unacceptable. There are those people that just up and leave for no apparent reason and then there are those that don't leave for good, they just come in so seldom that you think that they have. These MIA's are also the people that come in and act so friendly that they were probably your womb-mate, they are your best friend and think they are the best customer in the bar. A few weeks ago one the these funny occurances happened when this young gentleman came into the bar with some friends and acted as if he was my most regular customer. "Where is the swing that goes over the bar?" he asked as he had been telling his friends about this crazy swing that people could get in and swing out over the bar. We told him that it was up for one night and one night only, for Mardi Gras, 2003. Yeah, he is a real regular customer.

It even applies to people that used to come into my restaurant. My wife and I will run into them around town and they will comment on how good their last meal was a couple of weeks ago, how they couldn't wait to get back for another meal. We then have to sadly tell them that the restaurant closed in May of 2002. "No you didn't, we were just there", they would reply. Sorry, we know when we closed the restaurant, in fact no one has been in the building for over six months and it is up for sale. I know they leave the conversations thinking we are crazy because in their minds, they know that they were just there. The mind is a terrible thing to loose.

Medical Marijuana Information

2005-10-12T19:29:00.000-05:00

This site was brought to my attention and if you are interested in the topic at all, you just might want to check it out this site. It is www.MedicalMarijuanaProCon.org It gives serious information from both sides of the debate. Just thought some of you inquizitive minds out there might want to know.

Stranger In The Bar

2005-10-12T14:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes your past life comes back into your present life. This happen to me one night not terribly long ago in a most amusing way. There was a couple in their mid forties that stumbled across my bar one night and it was love at first drink. They fell in love with the intimacy of the bar and the conversations that took place there. When I first met them, I was puzzled by the woman because of a feeling of deja vu. She seemed all to familiar to me but I was unable to place her. My bar became one of their regular hangouts and we began a friendship over their many visits. One of my past professions was that of being a professional photographer and as such, I have a number of matted and framed images displaced on the walls.

On this particular night, the mystery couple came into the bar, ordered their cocktails and proceeded to have a seat at one of the tables. After some time had passed, I finally had a chance to get by their table and visit for a few minutes. We were engaged in conversation about fish, of all things, because I used to cook a great deal of it at my restaurant and the gentleman, Mr.Martini, used to sell wholesale fish to the restaurant trade. Suddenly his wife, Mrs. Mudslide, wo was bored by the conversation and was occupied with looking at the photos on the walls interrupted the conversation asked if I used to own a photography studio on the west side of town. I replied that I had owned one and instantly the deja vu issue was solved.

I remembered photographing her many years before, the face was familiar but her hair was now long, straight, and blonde. Years ago it was short, brunette, and curly. She instantly blurted out, "Honey, this is the man who shot those great nudes of me!" As she was saying this, he was in the midst of taking a drink and forgot to close his mouth. His martini dribbled down his shirt and he looked like he had been shot with a stun gun. She was obviously quite pleased while he, on the other hand, was mortified. He honestly didn't know where to look. He did quickly glance at the pictures on the walls to make sure that she was not present in the collection. They very quickly paid there bill and left. They have never been back to the bar since. I have run into Mrs. Mudslide at the foodstore a few times and she has stated that her husband cannot bring himself back into the bar because I have seen her in the all together. According to her, this photo session happen several years before they even met for the first time but he was too embarassed by the idea. I asked if he liked the images and she assured me that he does but he can't bring himself to have a conversation with someone that has seen his wife in the nude. I guess they don't hang out with her OB/GYN either.

Social Commentary

2005-10-11T19:43:00.000-05:00

I read an article in the paper yesterday that got me thinking about the state of our society. The article concerned the fact that the FBI was having to relax their standards on new perspective employees use of Marijuana. It seems to me that there must really be a problem in this country if a government agency such as the FBI can not find enough applicants that have not had marijuana use in their past. This tells me that the use of this illegal substance must be much greater in this country than the government statistics purport them to be. This war on marijuana seems remarkably like the prohibition on alcohol in the nineteen twenties. It is virtually impossible to keep a population from engaging in an activity that they want to be engaged in. Particularly when it is a substance that is a weed and can be grown almost everywhere. Now personally, the only experience that I have with this substance is my interaction with people at the bars and restaurants that I have owned who openly admit to its' use. These people range from college students and business owners to educators, doctors, lawyers, and police. Pretty accurate microcosm of our society,huh? Only a very few members of this cross-section of people that I have met are the stereotypical Cheech and Chong type of stoners. Most of these people that I have met go to work everyday and are productive members of society. If they did not confess to you that they engaged in the use of left handed cigarettes, the average person would never know. I have met a few irresponsible pot smokers who should under no circumstances use the product but I have met and known many dozens of people over the years that should not be allowed to consume alcohol either, because they can not manage their addiction to ethanol. People with an addictive nature will find something to become addicted to whether it is coffee, Coca Cola, Dr. Pepper, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, or marijuana. All but the last example in the previous sentence are legal at least in certain quantities and to certain age groups.

According to the Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice, www.cjcj.org/pubs/poor/pp.html after doing some math, almost 8.39 BILLION dollars were spent by Americans in the year 2000 for the incareration of marijuana violators. This figure does not include cost for arrests and prosecution of these crimes. If this substance is truly as dangerous as the government suggests, maybe they should spend a few billion of these dollars to develop a pharmaceutical that could be administered at childbirth to render the individual with a chemical repugnancy to the drug. This would be similar to the drug Anabuse with alcoholics, but on a much more permanent basis. In this way, marijuana usage would end in this country within a generation or so. It would also take a large bite out of organized crime, comprised of people that make more money yearly than I can imagine for the production and distribution of this substance.

We need to look at the root of the law against marijuana. It came about very reluctantly by the federal government in 1937 at the insistance of the bordering States of Mexico as a way to try and stem illegal aliens from coming into the United States during the depression. The law was also supported by Louisiana in an effort to control the black population. At that time, all of the hype about its' harmful effects seem to be almost complete inventions by those people who wanted to make the substance illegal for racial reasons and they apparently duped our federal government into going along with them. Also, as soon as the possession and use of marijuana became a federal crime, federal dollars began suporting its enforcement and no longer funded by the individual states. So it looks like it was both racially and financially motivated.

While on the subject of finances, the government likes nothing more than a new source of tax revenue. Perhaps they could legalize it and tax it, impose the same or even stricter penalties for overindulgence in the product similar to the alcohol laws. Just like now, with alcohol, no one under 21 would be legally allowed to use the substance without facing legal penalties. True, a small amount would still be home grown I suppose, however just as it is legal to make your own wine and beer, very few people do it. I believe the same would hold true with legal marijuana. If a person could actually legally purchase a product of known strength, why would they go to the trouble and time to grow therir own. Most people would not, they would go to the corner store and purchase it.

I am sure there are as many horror stories in existence concerning marijuana as there are about alcohol but this is not the issue. Swapping stories will not solve the problem. If the leading legal entity in our country cannot hire people that do not use or have not used this substance then maybe the reason for it being illegal should be revisited. I mean coldly and scientifically without the prejudice of holier than thou do-gooders. There is aparentently a great deal of information on the medicinal uses of the drug, but old prejudices seem to continually win out in court. Modern day temperance do-gooders are terribly afraid of what they do not understand and because of their preconceptions and ignorance of the topic continually call for it to remain illegal. As far as I can see, not making marijuana legal for terminally ill patients suffering from cancer, advanced AIDS/HIV, or other diseases could be considered a fair case of federally sponsored cruel and unusual punishment. How is making a person comfortable in the last stages of their life a danger to anyone? We are able to prescribe morphine (an opiate legal for public trade) and other powerful addictive and mentally damaging drugs which will render these terminally ill patients as nothing more than addicted zombies, while they could be administered marijuana which would lessen their nausea and discomfort without leaving them hopelessly addicted to a powerful opiate. How is making average law abiding citizens at the end of their lives or their doctors and relatives that are caring for them feel like criminals or actually be engaged in criminal activity a civilized practice. What ever happened to the concept of "Quality of Life?" Penicillin, with the help of Dr. Fleming, sprang from moldy bread, and before that I am sure no one thought there was a use for this ruination of a food product. If it is no worse than alcohol and tobacco, then legalize it. If it is worse, then spend the money to find a way to take it out of use in our society and I don't mean by silly commercials on TV showing eggs frying. That is silly entertainment, not education. I know personally, that if marijuana was made legal tomorrow, I would not use it. If I had a family member dying in pain, that might be another issue and one that I pray I that I never have to face. The drug holds no interest to me other than as a social issue and a cause for our government to expend billions of our tax dollars to control it. I myself do not know the solution to this social problem and would appreciate your feedback on the topic.

To Whom It May Concern

2005-10-11T06:34:00.000-05:00

This is for everyone who has been reading the blog so far and is thinking, "Is he talking about me?". Hell no, I am not talking about your silly behavior, only all of the other silly people that come into the bar and do stupid things. Be of good cheer, I would never talk about the times you have acted inappropriately in a bar. I am not talking about you, Miss Screw Kappa Nappa, as far as I am concerned this is the only time that I have mentioned you in the blog, so far. So please, you can relax and feel good about yourself.

For all of the rest of you out there, just keep telling yourself "It's Not me". The time you pissed in your pants, well there must have been someone else that he saw do that, not me. The time you thought it was a fart and were wrong and shit in your pants, then proceeded to continue drinking at the bar for an hour before you went home to change, that wasn't you either. It must have been someone else, not me. The time you had enough gas to fill the Hindenberg and left the bar uninhabitable, he surely must be referring to someone else farting repeatedly and unceaseingly, not the time I did that, yeah, that's right, not me. Then there was the time that you were so horny, that you were begging for someone in the bar to give me a proper ravaging, but thankfully everyone that was there were your friends and would not fulfill your wish. He must be talking about someone else who was so horny that they wanted to have sex with the whole bar. For all of you who have had inapropriate sex in and around the bar, don't worry, I'm not talking about you either. Not you! It must be someone else.

I was not talking about you either, who told the same story for the 215th time since I have owned the bar. He must be talking about some other boring, repetative intoxicated person, not me. My only request on this one is, for all of you who insist on retelling the same story over and over, tell it correctly. My bartenders can tell most of the stories better than you can. Of course, they are completely sober, you're not. But then I am not talking about you anyway, so what does it matter. Oh, and by the way, by now, everyone at the bar knows how to boil a bratwurst and knows that the price of gasoline changes everyday. All of my customers may not be Nobel Laureates, but with the exception of one bicycle rider, they all buy gasoline and realize that the price goes up and down, although it does seem like it goes up more often than not. Most of the people at the bar don't care what you had for lunch or what you are going to have for dinner either. Read a newspaper before you come in, there is most likely something in it we can all talk about.

One last group of people that I am not talking about in the blog are, either the conservatives, ie. the Republicans who are not always righteous and the liberals, ie. Democrats, who according to the Republicans are not always supid, ignorant idiots. And vice-versa, as well. In my lifetime I have seen both Democrats and Republicans make huge blunders. Neither one has the high moral ground all of the time, although they both accidentally do the right thing from time to time. The truth is both parties are in a business called politics, hell, they are politicians, and most are lawyers to boot. If you think lawyers are going to screw people in civil life, imagine what they will do when they get real power. If they are not lawyers, they are still rich business men. When is the last time you saw a poor person get elected to the Congress or Senate. People, it's all about them, the politicians that is, and getting themselves re-elected, it's not about us. Learn this, then have another drink and shut up. These people possess the largest egos on the planet. But because of the law of averages, both parties happen to do things right ocassionally. Thank God for mathematics. But don't worry, I am not talking about you either. It's always someone else. Just keep telling yourself that. Thanks for reading, and relax, Miss Screw Kappa Nappa, I was not talking about you. Not yet, anyway.

Sometimes They Seem Like An Ass

2005-10-09T16:07:00.000-05:00

Now I have a large number of customers that I look forward to seeing every week. They make my week fun and make going to work something to be looked forward to. There are those few customers however that can ruin what has been a great week by just showing up and being the asses that they are. Is it a God given talent or do they work andd strive to be jerks. There was one in the bar last night that stated, "When I drink, I am an asshole." Well asshole, don't drink!, or at least do it alone at home where you can't annoy other people. These people always give me a pain located a couple feet below my neck. If you know you are an asshole, strive to remedy the situation, not enhance it. He is obviously an asshole because he enjoys being an asshole. I believe that some people finding that they are deficient in lacking the skills to be engaging and generally be entertaining to others through normal means of communication resort to being an ass as a means to call attention to themselves. So great is their need to be noticed. He continually asked for us to play some particular music. We do not have a juke box, we have a radio and therefore have little ability to control the specific music played on it. We explained this fact to him on several occassions. He chose not to understand or siuation. This one person with his particular talent for being rude, crude and socially unacceptable put everyone on edge that was in the bar last night. There was practically a round of applause when he left the bar. Now please understand that it is not just him, over the last two weeks or so we have had more drama at the bar than in the last six months combined. Maybe it is the change in the seasons, I don't really know, but it is certainly evident.

Earlier this week we had a person who had to be asked to leave the bar on two consecutive evenings. Now the first night we might have been a little premature in asking for his departure but the second night he showed up wearing a big asshole costume. He unceasingly tried to harass my bartender who wanted nothing to do with him. There no was doubt in his purpose for existence that night. The first night he was at the bar, he stated that he enjoyed bringing up topics with people in which he knew an agruement would ensue, not at my bar you don't. I have enough problems with the yellow dog democrats and yellow dog republicans at my bar without someone purposely trying to start something. This was combined with in an earlier part of the evening, in which while he was acting civil, he politely asked if I would like to join him in a cigarette, I respectfully declined stating that I did not smoke. Then later in the evening he asked me if I wanted to go 'smoke' with him. Once again I politely reminded him that I did not smoke. "Oh no, not cigarettes, I mean 'smoke', I know as an artist, you must smoke, you know..." Well I don't. Let me state for all of my readers, I do not smoke cigars, cigarettes, pot, hashish, opium or anything else that you might be able to inhale. I choose not to do it. Life is complicated enough with alcohol. Even with that particular legal elixir, I rarely choose to consume anymore. Before people state that they have seen me smoke in the past, yes, on about four ocassions in my life I have smoked a cigar and briefly, very briefly in college, I smoked a pipe, with tobacco in it, perferably Early Darkness. I don't care if you smoke, or what you smoke, as long as some of it is not smoked around my bar. Go right ahead, it's your health and liberty that is at stake, but allow me the choice not to do so. Everyone is entitled to their own personal vices, I am still looking for mine.

Assholes come in all sizes and shapes. From those who try and start problems or are looking for a fight to those that are just loud and rude. They enjoy peppering the air with obsenties just because they know the words and feel like it is their constitutional right to use them as frequently as is humanly possible. Engaging in these unwarranted outbursts just call attention to yourself and prove to everyone in earshot that you are a jerk. Remember, it is better to remain silent and thought be be stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Or those individuls, both male and female, who cannot form a sentence without it including some form of sexual inuendo. No one at the bar cares about your poor sex life except for you, and sitting in a bar probably won't improve it. Go out and get a date or go home and spend some time with your spouse. Your odds will be significantly improved. Then there is my favorite jerk, the one who knows exactly what you should do to make your bar twice as successful as it is by simply following his intoxicated advice. Now bear in mind, he has never owned a bar, or any other business for that matter. He collects a paycheck from someone else shouldering the financial responsibility of his mistakes in judgement. But he knows just how you should run your bar "if you want to make it right." Dear people, next time you go out for the evening, go before you leave, no one at the bar wants to listen to your shit. Thanks.

Guess He Ate Too Many Oysters

2005-10-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

Well after I started writing this blog, I have had several people ask me what some of the stranger things I have witnessed at the bars or restaurants have been and I always have to ask the question, "In which category?". Of course more times than not, they are referring to funny or strange sex stories. So for all of those perverts, here is what I consider one for the books.

This happened a few years ago at a restaurant that I had in the downtown part of the city. A friend of mine came in late one night to eat dinner and was by himself for a change. He ordered an Oysters on the half shell appetizer along with Snapper Ponchartrain as his entree. As he was the last customer of the evening, I joined him after preparing his meal and enjoyed a cup of coffee with our conversation as he ate his meal. The young coed that was waiting on him that night seemed particularly interested in him as she was particularly attentive to his needs. This was something that this young lady was normally remiss in, customer service. After the rest of the customers had left the restaurant, she pulled up a chair and sat with us while we rambled from topic to topic. As it was nearing closing time and the kitchen staff had already left, I left these two people in conversation to go next door to the convenience store to pick up some milk for my wife. I locked the front door behind me, and as it was about to rain, ran over to the store. I was trying to beat an impending thunderstorm that was bearing down on us. At the store, I got behind a number of people buying lottery tickets. These people sweated over their choices like the fate of the world depended on their choices. After what seemed like forever to pay for my milk, I ran back to the restaurant as it was beginning to rain. I went in the back door into the kitchen as it was the closest entrance and out of the rain.

I put the milk into the refrigerator and walked back into the dining room. The newly introduced couple were not seated at the table where I had left them. Rather they where in the corner of the room on an antique fainting couch that I had placed there more for decoration than anything else. What surprised me was the sight of my friends' bare ass bumping up and down on my very attentive and cooperative waitress. I thought this is going beyond the call of duty to insure a good tip. Talk about customer service! They looked up at me when they heard me enter the room as I am sure that I made some form of audible comment, I don't remember what. Rather non-chalantly, they commented, "Don't mind us, we will be finished soon." Then they laughed and went back to their carnal pleasures. What the fuck, pardon the pun. I went back to the cash register area and began closing out the register. As my friend had not paid for his dinner as of yet, I briefly wondered what I should charge him for his dessert. Just kidding, obviously, that was on the house. Soon the contented couple, once more wearing all of their clothing showed up at the cash register where I was located and he asked to pay his bill. Nothing more was said about their activity except for my comment that I was not sure that their behavior fell within the prevailing health codes and if they had made a mess, they would have to clean it up. With the payment of his bill, my waitress grabbed her tips for the night and her purse and they left. I can only assume they left together as her car was left in the parking lot. Shortly after this, I decided to take the oysters off of the menu.

When Are You Coming Home?

2005-10-06T10:04:00.000-05:00

Or from our point of view, when are you leaving? Some of our customers stop in for a quick one at 4 o'clock and forget that they were just stopping by for a quick toddy before dinner. Seven pm, eight pm, nine pm and they are still here. All of their other obligations in life seem to become nonexistent when they cross the portals of our bar. It's like life inside the bar takes on a form of suspended animation. "Honey, I am stopping by for just a minute, I will be home in twenty minutes", one hour later it is, "Honey, I am just walking out the door, be home in a couple of minutes." Then they decide they have time for one more quick one before they leave and so it goes. This will be accompanied by the oft used phrase, "I am going to be in so much trouble when I get home, but, hell Screw It. Give me one more quick one." I know only too well because in an earlier part of my life prior to owning restaurants and bars, I did the same thing to my family. I used to run down to the bar after work only to return at nine or ten or eleven or later. Mea Culpa. I was a real asshole to my family during those years. Maybe that's why I am so sensitive to it now and I notice it so much.

The other type of person does not have a family to go home to so they have no obligations to pull them away from the bar. These people are usually quite interesting and are great to have around the bar. They are the color, flavoring and seasoning that give a bar it's unique character. Then of course there are the characters that just show up that you want to have leave five minutes before they arrive. They are the inevitable panhandlers and bums that are always trying to hit your customers up for money or cigarettes or whatever. "Get the hell out and don't come back", my deminutive, sweet, but stern bartender will tell them. She doesn't take shit from anyone and can read through their bullshit in a heartbeat. Then there is the class of customers that just don't get the idea that we will be happy to continue in business without their financial support. The rude, obnoxious, or lousy tippers that expect the bartenders to practically give them a shoeshine with every drink and the fact that they, the bartenders, got to bathe in their magnificence for a time should be payment enough. One last word to the young hopelessly romantic horny young men that come into bars everywhere. No, the bartender does not want to date you. She most likely has a boyfriend at home. While you are at the bar looking for companionship, she is there to work. If they want to date you, they will let you know, but don't hold your breath.

2005-10-03T22:24:00.000-05:00

Lex Luther Beware.... I just learned this afternoon that superman was not from the planet Krypton as I had previously thought. According to one of our customers, he is actually from the shitty little planet of Krapt-on. When asked several times to repeat were he was from, he was adamant about being from Krapt-on. No wonder he doesn't take any shit from the bad guys. Obviously, he's been there, done that.

2005-10-03T16:07:00.000-05:00

Beware Young Lovers..... Part of being in a bar everyday allows you to watch romances develop. Sometimes they develop over a period of days or weeks and sometimes they develop over the consumption of a beer. You know, I always hear from the younger people that I was a product of the 'Love Generation' of the sixties, but we couldn't begin to match the carnal juice swapping that is so prevailent today. At least not that was present in the nineteen-sixties of central Texas. People today engage in sexual acts with each other that rival Bachanalian festivals. I personally know of more than a few women that number there sexual partners in well over 100. And these are not "Working Women", but rather just young girls in their early twenties. I guess this stems from eating too much fast food and grease, their panties just keep sliding down. Now please, understand that I am no prude but really, I have witnessed couples retreating to the privacy of the restrooms or their cars for a quick poke in the whiskers without not even knowing each others names. In at least one case, two days after this one young lady had exchanged bodily fluids with a gentleman who she came across in the bar, I won't say met, because introductions were never made, and then she did not even recognize him when he came back two nights later. My bartender and I had a hard time convincing her that she had indeed met all of him. With the advent of picture taking cell phones, is it too much to ask that you at least take a quick snap-shot of your partner for future reference and to avoid embarassing confusion? This pursuit of lust at mine and other bars in town not always leads to the typically expected boy-girl relations, there have also been a smattering of the more sexually ambidexterous nature leading to the inevitable girl-girl and boy-boy liasons. I know of one man and woman, not related in any way to each other that are completely heterosexual when sober but put a few drinks in them and look out. Then the inhibitions are gone. Little Miss Gin and Tonic has been seen humping more than one atractive young ladies' thigh and Mr. Scotch and Water is certainly more descreet but has been known to flirt heavily with gentlemen in the bar. This same sex activity has ranged from the barely noticable to the outright groping of body parts by people that when sober, would never consider themselves as bi-sexual or dream of such activity. Then there are those you have a Clintionesque view of life that engaging in oral sex is not having sexual relations. According to my wife, this is bullshit.

While I am on the subject of promiscuous sex, girls, for God's sake, please use some form of birth control along with condoms which are used properly. They need to be worn by the guy,not kept in your purse or his wallet. Guys, are you fucking crazy? Random sex without protection is like playing Russisan Roulette. Have you not heard about sexually transmitted diseases? Taking a shower in a raincoat beats a lifetime with Herpes or Aides. Most of you may go to a religious college in town but I don't think that you can rely on divine intervention in preventing STD's from coming into your life. All cell phones should come with a flip out condom carrier. I know of one customer at the bar who has now had three abortions by the age of 22. Abortions are not to be used as birth control. Stop giving the "Right to Lifers" more ammunition to use in the fight to outlaw abortion. Sex is a great pastime to engage in while you are waiting for the buzz to wear off, but do it responsibly and politely. Introduce yourself to your partner before having sex with them and, by the way guys, having sex with an intoxicated woman can legally be considered rape. Be careful and have a great day.

2005-10-02T17:24:00.000-05:00

Janis Joplin and Lassie.... Last night while sitting at the bar and listening to a recording of Janis Joplin singing Mercedes Benz, Mr. Makers Mark commented from out of the blue "Damn, with a voice like that, I would hate to hear her cumming." Now this was a very funny and yet sobbering mental image. The psychological trama that this image could produce could be great. It made me think back to the Night of Lassie that we had at the bar several years ago. I was standing outside of the bar with a friend looking at some impending weather that was moving in when a somewhat regular couple came screeching up into a parking place at the bar. The gentleman proceeded to get out of fthe car yelling "Fucking Bitch!" as he did so adn walked up to the two of us. He then started repeatedly pressing the panic button on his key chain car lock to make the lights on his car flash and the horn honk. After a few moments of this, his wife exited the car along with the statement "Fucking Asshole!" She then stormed up to the entrance and opened the door with such force, I thought it would leave the hinges. I followed the happy couple into the bar and poured each of them a Chardonnay. I then went back to talking with my friend. After a few minutes had passed he excused himself to the mens room to relieve himself of some the beerthat he had consumed.

Moments later, my friend asked if it was proper form to go into the restroom when there were people in there screwing? What the hell, I thought. This was early in my bar career and I was still somewhat niave. My friend and I made our way the the restroom hallway and sure enough there were mating sounds eminating form the interior. Now this particular restroom did not involve a door as such but rather a a "S" turn maze entrance to block the view. My friend told me that he walked into the room before he realized what was going on. He said that they were in stall number three, the handicapped stall. I entered the are and looked under the parttion walls and sure enough, there they were in number three. From the postion of their feet and their pants around their ankles, he was obviously taking her from behind, "doggy style". This must have suited her because she was howling like Lassie, and he wasn't far behind her in the grunts and groans department either. Damn, that woman could howl. Before long, the entire bar had emptied into the restroom hallway to listen to the carnal yodelling. We all returned to the bar before the canine couple ended their festivities. When they returned to the bar, they sat back down at their glasses of Chardonnay as if nothing had happened. About five weeks later, the gentleman came into the bar and proudly announced that his wife was pregnant. All of us at the bar could not help but wonder, if it was a boy, would they name him John?

2005-09-30T16:40:00.000-05:00

Well, Fall finally fell on our community on Wednesday night at about 10:40 pm the with the arrival of the first cold front of the season. After the 100+ degree weather that we had been enduring during the first part of the week and the completely dry Hurricane Rita that went off to the east of us over the previous weekend, it was nice to get some cool weather. Temperatures dropped into the sixties and seventies and generally everyones spirits and attitudes seem to be better. If you are on line and have a need to check the weather, may I suggest that you try www.Alphaweather.com , this is one terrific weather site, and the weather girls aren't bad either. Enjoy the fall weather and have a great day.

2005-09-30T05:54:00.000-05:00

You Are Never To Old To Learn ..... Tonight at the bar, I learned what it is to be a real man. Now that may sound funny but this was not funny in any way. One of our regular customers, "the pussy thieving son of bitch" that I referred to in an earlier posting in this blog. This gentleman is a retired career Air Force officer, he flew B-52's for more than one tour of duty over Viet Nam during the 1960's. He also defended our country as a member of the Strategic Air Command when not in Viet Nam along with other assignments in the service of our country. Tonight he was at the bar, enjoying the first real cool front of the fall when his night was ruined by a moronic imbecile. As is often the case in bars, politics is quite often the topic of conversation. Tonight was one of those occasions. We had been discussing the confirmation of John Roberts as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court when this idiot who was unable to add anything of substance to the discussion, decided to stir some shit and made the unbelievable statement that this retired officer was living on welfare and that he, the moron, was paying his salary. At this statement, the freshly insulted gentleman rose to his feet and asked the moron to repeat himself and explain his statement. I quickly interjected that what the idiot was referring to as welfare was in fact his retirement for more than twenty years of service to our country. Now this particular moron was a little too young to ever be concerned with being drafted for Viet Nam and too old to be worried with Bosnia or either the first or current conflicts in the middle east. The fact of the matter is that he never served his country or put himself in harms way for the benefit of others and to make the statements that he made tonight is nothing more than a slap in the face to every man and woman who has served this country. He has lived in this country all of his life reaping the benefits and profits from the greatest country on earth and then has the gall to feel this way about the people who protect it. In his opinion,they don't deserve their retirements or at least they should consider themeselves on welfare because he pays taxes. Well screw him! When challenged by the gentleman he went into a song and dance about how we should not have a conscripted military and how it was unconstitutional to have a standing army. When the offended gentleman stated that he enlisted voluntarily into the service, he was confronted by the agruement that he was not deserving of his retirement pay because he deemed it excessive as he had really not done anything to deserve the dollar amount of retirement pay and was therefore, by his reasoning, living on wellfare. The mind boggles at the depth of stupidity in some people. Now it does not matter if you think that the Viet Nam War was justified or not or if our current presence in the middle east is warranted, this has nothing to do with the service that a soldier provides to his country. When he was flying over Viet Nam with SAM missles being fired at him, the purpose and politics of the war deminished considerably while he was trying to dodge the missles and keep him and his crew alive. He didn't earn his retirement? BULLSHIT ! With a grace and dignity that can only be described as Gandhian in nature, the retired officer asked the idiot to drop the subject and leave him alone as he had left violence behind him many years before. Instead of just departing, the mentally deficient bar customer then vainly tried to act as if they were buddies and his comments were not as important as his need to buy him a drink. After insisting once more for his peace and privacy, the idiot finally left the bar. I cannot call this person a liberal because to do so would be an insult to liberals in this country who care about those people that have served our country. Many retired servicemen who consider themselves to be liberal would be equally offended by this persons' assesment of their service to their country. No, what we had here was just pure simple ignorance, stupidity, and a grasp of common courtesy and decency. The senseless and ill prepared ramblings of an insignificant peabrain. Why is it that people who have a little money always think they are brilliant? This diginified, retired officer showed me what it is to me a man tonight and to know that when you are in the right, bringing yourself to the level of his antagonist would be like trying to teach a pig to sing, it is a waste of your time and and annoys the pig. As I have heard this exceptional gentleman state before, he fought and defended this country for everyone, so that even idiots would have the right and the freedom to be wrong. Sir, I salute you and may God bless you and your retirement, which you so richly deserve. And while I am at it, God bless all of our military that serve or have served our country.

2005-09-29T22:37:00.000-05:00

Having a Wet Pussy at the Bar.... It really is a good shot and it certainly is fun to take. There really is a shot glass between her legs. There are as many shots to take as there is imagination to come up with them. Some of the more popular shots at the bar are the Wet Pussy, the Genital Slurpy, the Lemon Drop, the Red Headed Slut, Instant Margaritas, the Four Wise Men, the Chocolate Cake, and the Smurff Piss. Who comes up with these names? Every now and then we will have someone come into the bar and ask for something totally off the wall. There was the evening that a college student came in and asked for a Flaming Dead Nazis' Wife. Now I know what a Flaming Dead Nazi is but know nothing about his wife. He said quite confused, "Well I had one in Boston last year, and it was good." I asked him what was in it?... No idea. How could I not know how it was made? I must be some kind of idiot. Maybe. Then there is the person who will ask for a Rolling Rock Light, Michelob Ultra, or an Amstel Light. Sorry, we are currently out of them, "Ok, I will have a Guiness Stout." What the hell are they thinking? This goes along with the people who will order an expensive single barrel bourbon with diet coke and three limes or Johnny Walker Black with tonic water and a lemon. Damn beginners. Well I guess they have to start somewhere. Sometimes though, it is hard to watch.

2005-09-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

Two Girls All Dressed Up and Ready For Work.... Bartenders are some of the luckiest workers in the world. Where else can you make money having this much fun? They get to meet a large cross section of the population and learn more valuable life experiences more rapidly than in any other job that I know. Some people are very good at it while others are not. Just because it is a great job does not make it easy. I have had numerous people, both men and women, go to work for me thinking they could be a bartender only to find that after a few nights of work that it was not for them. It is tough. You are on your feet for hours at a time, have to be in a good mood, even if you are not, drinks get spilled on you, and you have to remain sober amongst a sea of intoxicated people in varying degrees of alcohol consumption. Bartenders have to know when enough is enough and how to cut off sometimes unhappy and beligerent people. Sometimes they are the bartenders' friends. This is not easy. Quite often, drunk people do many funny things but not as often as you might think. Drunk people always think that they are funny and will repeat what they think is funny over and over, ad nauseum. Sometimes they really do say things that are extermely funny. Last night, one of our customers asked the price of a particular wine, when told its higher than expected price, he blurted out "What the Fuck, over ! ". Not meaning to curse, he changed his statement to "Pray tell, what did you say?". At this the bartender, and everyone else at the bar burst into laughter. For the rest of the night, someone only had to say "Pray tell" to get the laughter started all over again. Working at the bar, what a way to make a living. I hope you have an interesting day.

2005-09-27T22:17:00.000-05:00

Sad news came to our town today.... The Krispy Kreme donut shop closed after being open for nineteen months. The donut phenomenon that had caravans of people driving ninety miles south to the nearest location to purchase these sweet consumables prior to the opening of this store closed because of poor sales. Why is it that people only want what they can’t have? My wife and I used to love to stop for a donut at 2:30 or 3 in the morning after closing the bar. We deserve something sweet after our nightly tour of duty at the bar.

While on the subject of food, we just got back from having a wonderful dinner at a little local mom and pop Korean restaurant. Its name is Kitoks and the food is to die for. I had the chicken Buhl gogi and my wife had the sweet and sour shrimp. Damn, it was good. We split an order of oriental fries; shoestring cut potatoes with other vegetables that are tempura battered and fried. When not in the mood for Korean food, we quite often go to Dee’s Chicken Delight. Don’t let the name fool you, they make made from scratch Lebanese food. Their kibbe, kefta and chicken ka-bobs are wonderful and no one makes better Baklava. Breakfast has to be at Harold Waites Steak and Pancake House, there is no substitute, it has been in business for almost fity years. Lunch is either back to Harold Waites or Schmaltz’s for one of the best sandwiches in the state. If we feel like Tex-Mex, we go to Casa de Castillo, want to get fancy and have something upscale for dinner, we go to 1424 Washington. For a full blown, we're not in Kansas anymore dinner, go to The Northwood Inn. All of my friends that like traditional true south or central Mexican seafood swear by Siete Maris. If you have not figured it out yet all of these restaurants are owned and operated by local families, no corporations here. Corporate restaurants are fine if you want predictable mediocrity but why settle for that when there are wonderful meals waiting for you in dozens of small family run establishments. Go ahead, take a walk on the wild side, find a small locally owned restaurant in your community and learn what good food is. You won't be sorry that you did.

2005-09-26T17:04:00.000-05:00

"You Ain't Going To Believe This Shit"..... Maybe I should start I new blog with this as the title. Stranger and stranger. Evertime I think I have seen it all, I am proven wrong. Last night was no exception. It started off normally with the regulars being present and a great musician coming in to entertain us for a couple hours. As I said, everything was basically normal until about 10:30 when a friend of mine called and asked if we were still open as we sometimes close early on Sunday nights. She stated she had a group of friends that wanted to come to the bar for a meeting. Now we have had a great number of groups come by the bar to have meetings, but not like this group. They amounted to was the unofficial and officially unrecognized "Atheist and Agnostic Association" from a very conservative religious college in the area. I personally found it rather ironic and funny that they met on Sunday nights. I have to say that they were one of the most interesting groups of people that I have had at the bar. I can't wait for them to return. Cool people. Aside from their obvious lack of religious convictions, I found them to be very much like any other group of college students. You had heterosexual students, openly gay students and bisexuals of both sexes. That sounds strange. I wonder if the bi's date each other? Hmmm. While I am on the subject of demographics at the bar, you might want to check out a blog that I read on a regular basis. It is www.Ledemure.blogspot.com . If you like my blog, I am sure that you will like hers. It is a rather candid look at the life of a young college coed. She is not unlike many of my customers. Please give it a look. Anyway, back to last night. It got so strange that I will have to continue the story after my brain has time to distill all of the evenings events. I have to figure out what I can relate to you and what I can't. More to come soon. Have a good one.

2005-09-25T18:19:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting conversation with a couple of customers last night concerning the blog. They wanted to know what the strangest or most unusual thing that I have witnessed over the years. This is a hard thing to answer. Too many choices. After a decade in these businesses I have seen a great deal of what most people would consider unusual. So I turned the tides on them and asked them the same question. Both of these people are senior coeds at a local university. They wasted no time in relaying the number of drug offenses that they had openly witnessed along with smattering of the funniest sexual encounters that they had walked in on or observed. Their favorite sex story was when they walked out of the restaurant where they worked. They were leaving the restaurant at the end of their shift and found this couple that they had just waited on in the back of the gentlemans' pickup with the tail gate down. The couple were trying to engage in a quick poke in the whiskers but the gentleman had had to much to drink. To but it kindly, he was not completely up to the task at hand. His member could not come up to full speed. They reported that they obseved them try position after position to no avail. The mission had been started but did appear as if it was going to come to a successful conclusion. They were either unaware of the two girls or simply just did not care. The girls said that they resorted to even throwing pebbles at the truck without interupting the couple. About this time, they said that a couple other co-workers joined them, watched for a minute or so and then they all left the couple to their mission impossible. It's good to know that people engage in bad judgement and inappropriate behavior at other businesses other than mine.

2005-09-24T18:00:00.000-05:00

Look at me, I'm dancing.... Well, they might not be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers, but what the hell, they are putting on a show. At a bar which I owned several years ago, in addition to the booze and the bands, there was the dancing of the bartenders up on the bar. On rare occasion they would be joined by a qualified customer. To be qualified, you had to be sober, I had gotten tired of catching people as they fell off of the bar. Yes, it really did happen and yes, I really did catch them. It seems I was good for something afterall. However, most of the time, only the bartenders were allowed up on the bar. This bar was completely above board. It was not a topless bar as some people thought. You need a special license for that in this state and I was not interested in the problems that these could bars generated. I would describe my bar a non-titty-titty bar. The girls never showed anything, the customers just hoped they would, and they would sit there all night long waiting patiently for the impossible to happen. The girls would dance, the customers would tip, everyone was happy. The girls left with their money, the guys just left. I had several customers tell me that this bar was more exciting than the regular topless bar because even though they knew nothing would show, they had great hopes. Hope springs eternal in horny, drinking men.

On one particular night, we had a group of very cool gentleman in the bar, they drank and tipped, and tipped and drank. There was much more tipping than drinking going on. The girls were very gracious about accepting their kind gestures. The men just did not want to leave, they even resorteed at one point to going out to their cars to collect change so that they could exchange it for cash for one last tip. Finally it was closing time, one of the gentlemen put their tab on his credit card adn they left to the restaurant down the street to get some food. After we cleaned up the bar which took a while, as was our usual habit, we went down the street to get some coffee and food ourselves. As it had been a particularly profitable night for the girls, Kasi informed me that she wanted to buy me breakfast this morning for a change. Just as we reached the restaurant, the heavy tippers of the evening were in the process of leaving. They asked what we were doing? It seemed rather obvious to me but I had to give them an answer so I told them, in true Visual Pimp style, that my 'Bitches' had taken all of their money, and now my 'Bitches' were going to buy my breakfast. This statement gave me a silly idea. The next day, I printed up the back of a wife-beater tee shirt with Kasi's name and the slogan " I'm Number One Bitch, and don't you forget it! ". I gave it to her that night and she put it on. Within a few minutes, one of my other bartenders, Stephany, came up to me, put her arm around me and purred, "Can I be your number two bitch?". I laughed and said sure. And so it began, The Visual Pimp and his 'Bitches'. We had; Kasi, the number one bitch'; stephany, 'the tall sultry bitch'; Shelly, who was deemed 'bitch, bitch, bitch' because she complained all of the time, and Amber who was 'a little bitch better' because of her small size. I am positive that Amber did not weigh ninety pounds, maybe not eighty-five. So this is the story of the Visual Pimp and his Bitches.

2005-09-23T15:07:00.000-05:00

At the request of a reader of this blog, a note of clarification might be in order. All of the stories that I relate are true but in many cases they are modified to fit the nature of the blog. In some instances, the stories that I relate may be composed of two or more incidences involving the same people and are combined into one story. Some stories are true and relayed just as they happened with only names and dates changed to protect the guilty. I leave it up to the readers' imagination to determine one from the other.

2005-09-23T15:05:00.000-05:00

And Bob’s Your Uncle or maybe just your boyfriend…. One night last week turned into one of those strange and dangerous nights. It was a girl’s night out evening. Women in groups are much worse than men. I don’t mean about fighting or anything like that but the topics of conversation has many fewer restrictions placed on them. This was one of those nights. You will almost never hear a group of grown men talk about a subject such as masturbation, let alone techniques, but women love this subject. This group of women got through the prerequisite list of normal conversation such as dieting, movies and old boyfriends and rather quickly moved on to talk about their most steadfast of friends; BOB, their Battery Operated Boyfriends. They all had their own favorite, the egg, the rabbit, the dolphin, some generic vibrator/dildo or just the plain old corner of the washing machine on spin cycle. A couple opted more for cleanliness and preferred the tub faucet with a good hard stream of water. Almost everyone agreed that the shower massage heads with an extension hose could work wonders. One of the girls relayed the story of how her mother used to yell at her for the length of the showers that she took when she was a teenager. One of the women, Ms. Chardonnay, relayed the sad story of a dead rabbit. She said that she and bunny were getting along splendidly one morning when suddenly, just as she was about to hit a home run, her little rabbit died. She pulled it out and tried to slap some life back into it. It worked she said as it began humming along once more and then as if it where karma, just moments from nirvana, it died once more. She relayed that she was forced to finish the job the old fashioned way, by hand.

I am always amazed at how as a bar owner / bartender that I do not exist during such conversations. I have always been like this, even long before I owned a bar. One of my nicknames in college was “Father Confessor” because people felt that they could or almost needed to tell me almost anything, a great deal of the time it was way TMI. Maybe I should have been a psychologist or psychiatrist…. No, I think being a bartender is much more fun. There were a few men out on the patio smoking. Whenever they came back into the bar, the girls conversation would immediately change to some harmless topic only to return immediately to the main topic of the evening as soon as the men departed the bar area.

Anyway, back to the story, the women all took turns relaying to each other there favorite ways to find ‘relief’ when their husbands / boyfriends were not around to come to their rescue. Or those sad to say, all to frequent times when their man didn’t quite meet their expectations or needs. When the conversation got around to a girl that I will call Miss Riesling, she rather matter-of-factly stated that she did not need to employ any industrial appliances to get her where she needed to go as long as she had her fingers. This statement brought a chorus of protest from the other women present. While they all agreed that fingers were good, batteries were better, or at least very different from the everyday, humdrum activity of snapping their zippy’s. She persisted with her position that with what her boyfriend did not take care of, she could accomplish manually on those rare instances that he was not around. She just felt that masturbation was not needed all that often. One of the women, Ms. Margarita pointed out that masturbation was not just about getting off but rather was a time when you could satisfy yourself and selfishly not have to worry about making a partner happy. Hmmmm? Well good point Ms. Margarita. ‘Rita’, for short, rather incredulously, quizzed Ms. Riesling about the fact that she had never tried a vibrator or dildo. She replied that while a number of her friends had used the aforementioned devices, she swore that she had never employed a sex toy either with a boyfriend or while alone. Mrs. Chardonnay joined in at this point and stated that getting Ms. Riesling to experience the joys of modern day mechanics was in her estimation about equal to the pursuit of the Holy Grail.

As the girls night out was coming, pardon the pun, to an end, most of the ladies left the bar after paying their tabs. Only Ms. Riesling and Ms. Chardonnay, the owner of the dead rabbit remained with me and my bartender. The bartender departed as quickly as she could after getting her closing chores finished. She was on her way to an after-party that she had been invited to earlier in the evening leaving me with these two slightly intoxicated and considering the conversation of the evening, very horny women. As it was still earlier than the legal closing hour, I sat with the women while they drank coffee and diet coke waiting for some degree of sobriety to return to their psyches. Ms. Chardonnay suddenly had what she thought was an incredibly good idea. As no one else was in the bar, the bartender had already left, she thought it was late enough for me to call it a night and close the bar for the evening. She thought that I could drive the two women across town to a sex shop where she could purchase a replacement for her recently dearly departed rabbit. She also thought that this would be a wonderful oportunity for Ms. Riesling to expand her horizons into the wonderful world of mechanics and electronics. As it wasn't far to the 'toy store' and I had not done anything stupid a the last week or two, I finally agreed after much pleading from both women. It was that or just sit with them for a while. This choice at least seemed more interesting. I locked up the bar and we loaded into my car. The girls both got into the back seat so that they could easily talk back and forth. In a short time, we arrived at the combination tatoo parlor and toy store located a few miles down the highway. I am not sure what time this place closes or if it even does, but in we marched. Now my wife gave me the nick-name of The Visual Pimp some years ago, I never really felt like one until this night. The women immediately went to the toy counter to survey the available implements. Ms. Chardonnay asked to look at a couple different models and rather quickly chose her new companion. Ms. Riesling, while obviously interested, decided not to make a purchase on this particular evening. With the tranaction completed, I loaded the two women back into the car to head back to the bar and their cars. Within a minute or so, a strange whirring and humming sound began to eminate from the back seat. A few moments later, audible moaning joined the mechanical sounds coming from the back seat and as quick as you could say "Bob's Your Uncle", one of the girls, I'm not sure which one, I'm guessing Ms. Chardonnay was experiencing what sounded like a rather mystical experience. A few minutes later, I could detect a different voice moaning from the back seat. Obviously, by now, Ms. Riesling had joined the machine age. I arrived back at the bar with two very content woman in the back seat, by now they were not only happy but sober. I said good night and watched them leave the parking lot. Life is strange, in the middle of the night, it's stranger.

2005-09-22T16:14:00.000-05:00

We have ways to make you tip… Now I realize that tipping is a completely voluntary choice; however, there are those people who bring out the frustration in bartenders. Last night was one of those instances. We have had one customer, Potty John; I will call him who has been coming into the bar randomly over the last year and a half or so. Most evenings, he comes into the bar, goes to the bathroom and then leaves. I don’t know why he just doesn’t go home. On last New Years Day, he came into the bar, went to the bathroom and then asked my wife to pop him a bowl of popcorn. She complied with his request and then came back to him and asked what he would like to drink. He stated that he had decided to go on the wagon and would not be drinking. At this she blurted out “What the hell are you doing in a bar if you don’t want to drink.” He just wanted popcorn; she suggested that he go to the movies.

Anyway, last night he came into the bar at about 10 PM. He immediately went to the bathroom, as his procedure and then he sat down at the bar and actually ordered a drink which amazed the customer seated next to him. He was busily complaining to the bartender and the customer about how his ex-wife was bleeding him dry financially. I went out on the patio to visit with other customers that did not want to listen to him either. All he usually does is complain and expect the bartenders to listen to him attentively. After complaining for a while, still not having taken a sip of his drink, he paid his tab and then asked the bartender for change for a dollar. She knew instantly what was coming. After breaking the dollar into quarters he slid fifty cents across the bar as if he had to. Tracy, the bartender suggested that he keep the fifty cents as he probably needed it more than she did. You don’t fuck with Tracy, she can be very sweet but she won’t let herself be taken advantage of. She pointed out that he hardly ever actually drank at the bar and even less frequently tipped and it wasn’t worth it. He became enraged and walked out onto the patio where I was seated and totally unaware of the situation inside. He proceeded to pour his entire drink onto the ground between my feet and then told me rather tersely “I just wasted $5.50 at your damn bar and I will never return, you Son of a Bitch!” At this I chuckled at his behavior and told him to have a great day. I can only hope he keeps his promise. Normally all of my bartenders are used to poor tips and they are balanced out by the good tippers, but sometimes enough is enough. Tracy almost immediately came onto the patio and apologized to me for costing me a customer. I could only thank her for accomplishing what my wife was unable to do nine months ago. Sometimes the best thing that can happen to a business is to lose the right customers.

2005-09-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

Are You Open… This is a statement that has always amazed me. We are sitting on the patio of the bar, maybe fifteen people; most of them with drinks and someone will walk up and ask if there is a bar around here or if we are open? Where do they think the drinks came from, did we all bring them from home? Last night we even had two guys walk into the bar and ask if we were open. It was eight o’clock at night and there were probably 10 people sitting around the bar. Jesus, take a wild guess. Do you think we might be open? This happens about once a week. I feel like saying “Go away, you are too stupid to drink here.” Maybe they just think that we are a group of people that aspire to the idea of “If we drink here, a bar will come.” Sometimes I wonder and sometimes I just don’t know.

2005-09-21T13:41:00.000-05:00

The Devil Made Him Do It... Last night one of my customers had the devil get behind him and push… Hard. Jim Beam arrived at the bar at around five in the afternoon to have a quick one or two before going to a church board meeting. This is not that unusual, we used to have a customer who came in for a few drinks every week before she had to go to church to teach a bible study. Anyway, back to the story, Jim was dressed immaculately wearing an extremely well chosen coat and tie. He really did not want to have to go to the church and listen to all of these self important, holier than thou wind bags carry on about silly church politics and gossip. Then devil got right behind him, right in my bar and pushed. He asked the bartender to turn off the music and asked all of the people at the bar to be very quiet for a moment while he proceeded to call his pastor and announce that he would not be able to attend the board meeting because of severe abdominal cramping and the runs. In other words, he had a major case of the ‘don’t give a shits’. Jim enjoyed the rest of his evening at the bar talking with friends while being the best dressed person at the bar. Life was good. Have an interesting day

2005-09-20T22:15:00.000-05:00

New Employees.. Sometimes some of the funniest things that happen at the bar involve new bartenders. A case in point involves a young lady that went to work for me earlier this year. This was the first Sunday that she worked without following another bartender. One of my good customers, Wilbur, came in and decided to have some fun with her. At an appropriate moment when all of the other customers had migrated away from the bar, he commented that he was sure glad that it was Sunday because he was really looking forward to his coffee enema. Jen looked to say the least surprised at this comment and said “Bullshit”! He just retained his cool composure and turned to me and asked if I had not yet told her about the especial Sunday activity. Playing along with him in a totally adlib situation I informed her that on Sunday evenings, we offered a coffee enema to those customers that wanted to start the week completely purged from the effects of the previous weeks drinking. I went on to say that she could make some pretty good tips doing this as some of the men really enjoyed getting their enemas. She definitely had this half scared “What the Fuck” look on her face but we were not going to let her off the hook quite so fast. Wilbur went on to say that he would be happy to show her the proper way to administer an enema to him. While he was talking to Jen, I slipped into the kitchen of the bar and produced a turkey baster that we just happened to have back there. When Jen saw this piece of equipment, she suddenly thought that we were really serious and asked if she should brew regular or decaf. My God, she actually believed us. At this point we really could not stay with this story any longer and Wilbur told her that we were pulling her leg. Instantly, she looked pissed, relieved and laughed all at the same time. She was almost green at the thought of putting this turkey baster up some old mans’ ass. Damn, we can be cruel to the newbie’s at the bar.

This same gentleman had convinced another one of my bartenders that because he was a particularly good friend of mine and an old customer, that he got every third beer free. He did let this joke go on for a couple of days before he broke down and told her the truth and paid her for the free beers.

Sometimes the funniest things are the misunderstandings that occur out of the things that are not said. A few years ago I had a bar downtown that was a sixties retro bar complete with black lights and lots of fluorescent painting on the walls. The bartenders danced on the bar in a Coyote Ugly fashion that is popular today but this was before the current bar dancing craze began. One Monday night a friend of mine invited me to another bar in town to hear a rock band that he was teaching in a commercial music program at a local college. Having nothing else to do that night as my bar was then closed on Monday nights, I decided to go and listen and send some time in someone else’s bar. Shortly after I got there and ordered a drink, my friends’ band took to the stage and began to perform. There was one young girl on the stage playing a guitar that just exuded a personality and presence. I asked my friend who she was and he told me her name was Kasi and that she was actually a theater and dance major. This intrigued me as I was still hiring people to work at my newly opened bar. After their performance was finished and the band departed the stage, I made my way over to Kasi and introduced myself saying how much I enjoyed her playing. I then asked her if by any chance she was looking for a job. She said that she actually was so I told her where my bar was located and told her to come by for an interview.

The next night, a Tuesday, Kasi came by the bar shortly after 9 PM. She asked the bartender on duty if I was there as she wanted to talk to me about a job. Alexis, the bartender asked her name and what her favorite type of music was to dance to, she then pointed out where I was at the back of the bar and she made her way back to me. After sitting down at my table, we started a general conversation, at one point I asked her where she went to high school and she told me that she had been home schooled. At this I suggested that my bar might not be suitable for her as I could envision irate parents marching through the front door. The only people I knew that were home schooled had been from extremely conservative religious families. Kasi went on to tell me that her mother had suggested that she might get a job at a topless bar because she could make good tips. With this statement I told her that this might just be the bar for her. I took her up to the bar, we put on some music that she liked and gave her a quick dance audition. Looking at people dancing on a bar and doing it yourself are two entirely different things. She climbed up onto the bar and danced her little butt off. No problems. I asked her if she could start on Thursday night and she excitedly agreed.

Thursday night arrived and so did Kasi, ready for work. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a pink halter top. I introduced her to the staff and showed her around the bar. The first customer just came up to her asked for a Bud Light longneck. She excused herself and came up to me and me and asked if we served the longneck brand of Bud Light. Well, she was only eighteen and it was her first night. Soon it was her turn it get up on the bar and start dancing with the other girls. Before she knew it, the evening was over. After we cleaned up the bar, all of the staff went down the street to a restaurant that was open to 4 AM. Kasi very quickly turned into a very competent bartender and now several years later, still works for me in another bar. This is where the story finally gets to the punch line. Earlier this spring, we were reminiscing about the past when she finally told me that when she first came to work for me, she thought my bar was a strip club, which it was not. For the first week or so she couldn’t understand why no one had asked her or anyone else to take their clothing off. Talk about misunderstandings. I hope you have an interesting life. Thanks for reading.

2005-09-19T17:20:00.000-05:00

I'm Spider Man. Last night at the bar was one of those nights that was not filled with the normal conversation ablut life, love and sex but rather a new topic crept, or rather was carried into the bar by their proud pwner. Two spiders in a zip lock bag. After observing them through the bag it was determined that the larger of the two had succumbed to the trama of capture and being carried to the bar so the owner of the spiders decided to roll its' poor departed body out of the bag. Wrong, it was playing possum. As soon as it hit fresh air and the freedom of the bartop it was off and running. It was some form of Wolf Spider I believe. An empty rocks glass aided in the capture of the renegade spider adn it was returned to the bag for safe keeping. As soon as it was captured again, it went back into its' dead possum mode. The other spider was determined to be a juvenile Daddy Long Long Legs. The spiders, named Burt and Ernie then went back home after their master quaffed a glass of Cabernet. Updates on the two will follow as events warrant.

2005-09-19T12:56:00.000-05:00

Happy campers at the bar. You know one of the nice things about having a bar is that you can make a living by making other people happy. This is a very good way to spend your life. I am also very lucky in that I have several very good and competent bartenders that can handle almost any situation. I have seen my youngest bartender jump right in between two adult men that were in the beginning stages of what could have been a nasty situation and inform them that they were not going to make fools of themselves in her bar. It involved a couple that was going through a divorce. The soon to be ex-wife was at the bar with a new 'friend'. The soon to be ex-husband found them and was less than happy. The woman involved though was a very happy camper as she had made her ex a very unhappy camper. My bartender broke up the confrontation before almost anyone else knew there was even a problem. Being a bar owner of, or a bartender at a small bar is like being an entertainer where most of the time you don’t have to bother with make up or a costume. Sometimes you play the role of comedian and sometimes that of a pyschologist. You get to have the privilege of seeing your friends and making new acquaintances while making them happy that they are in your establishment. It is a win – win situation for everyone involved. The bar provides a friendly environment where people can unwind from the day, vent about the politics of the day or the situations in their lives that make them happy or upset. It is group therapy for the masses. The topics of conversation can and do range a great deal.

For example, last Wednesday night one of my bartenders called me and asked me to do a Google search to see if I could determine how many times a day people in the United States engage in phone sex, not just for pay but also between consenting adults. I am still working on this one. I think the answer is somewhere around (n-1) where ‘n’ is the total number of phones in America. We also have lengthy conversations on the best ways to boil bratwurst, what type of sauerkraut is best and which brand of gasoline has the best additives. We cover it all sooner or later. One of the women at the bar last week stated that she had just read the results of a study of current college coeds that stated either 76 or 78 percent of college women today have had at least one bi-sexual experience while at college. There must be a lot of pent up passion in those women’s dormitories. The amazing thing to me was that everyone present took this number in stride or made some little quip about it. I can only imagine that had the report said that 76 percent of all men had engaged in a bi-sexual affair, virtually everyone there would have been repulsed. Why is it that in today’s society women can be bi-sexual with so much more ease than men? I don’t know the answer to this one. Being at the bar is almost never dull, it can be humorous and thought provoking, even if you might not want to think about what provoked you. The bar scene is very much like improvisational theatre and the price of admission is one drink. Fortunately for me, I get to collect the money. The bar is not always fun however.

Occasionally have the tragic story about loss. Just the other night, one of my new bartenders called me while I was away from the bar to tell me that a gentleman came into the bar and told her that one of his parents had passed away that day. She was at a loss as to what she should do. I told her to be compassionate, give him her condolences and to not let him drink much. He stayed for a while and then left. He just needed someone to talk to, that’s all. She handled the situation very well. Even in this small way, she most likely made him feel slightly better in knowing that there was someone willing to listen. I was very proud of her and how she handled the situation. This is the hardest thing a bartender can deal with, the loss of a loved one.

People plan marriages while at the bar and people plan divorces there too. They prepare themselves for the arrival of their first child and how it will change their lives and if not married, plan their next romantic interlude, hopefully without children being the end product. Almost anything in life can take place in a bar and I own a ringside seat. I am one lucky son of a bitch.

2005-09-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

Last night at the bar was another one of those shake your head and say ‘What the F…” nights. Sober people can be recklessly thoughtless. Drunk people are just plain recklessly stupid. Now I know that to anyone who has spent anytime visiting with those people that are in the ‘spirit world’ that this comes as no surprise but I still never tire of seeing just how stupid they can get. We have a number of plastic stackable chairs that we keep at the bar for evening when we have extra large crowds of people due to either live music or the full moon, which by the way is tonight, so look out. Some of these chairs are less than sturdy so we have them duct taped together in units of two which solves the sturdiness issue. There is always some moron that feels the need to undo the tape so that they have a single chair. They then go on to complain almost immediately that the single chairs are wobbly. No F’ing shit!! That’s why they were taped together moron. Not only do they complain but then they proceed to lean, tilt back on two legs and twist about to prove their point. Except for the legal issues involved, I would like to see some of they people fall and bust their asses. I have actually seen people abuse the chairs until they surprisingly break, act shocked that it happened, and then proceed to get another chair and repeat the same actions all over again. In the next week or so I am replacing all of the plastic chairs with steel stacking chairs. Let’s see how long it takes to tear them up. While I am on a rant about chairs and such, the main barstools are made of solid hard rock maple and reinforced six ways from Sunday. The drunks have managed to loosen up virtually every joint in the chairs by their constant leaning and rocking to and fro. These are the second set of barstools that I have purchased in the last five and a half years, The next set are going to either screw into the floor and be immovable or perhaps and will just pour a series of concrete columns will ass shaped indentions sculpted into the tops of each pillar. I either case, with no backs on them, if you lean back, you fall on your ass. I guess the ideal bar would be made out of solid concrete or skinned with solid stainless steel so that you could just high pressure steam clean the whole thing every night. The floor would slope into five horsepower industrial garbage disposals that would grind up everything; broken glass fragments, cigarette butts, bubble gum, popcorn that never got near someone’s mouth, and pizza crusts. Enough ranting and dreaming about a perfect bar world.

The same jazz duo happened to be playing last night that was present in the posting relayed to you yesterday. The bar was packed with a very divergent age group, everything from the barely legal college students to those in the eighties. It was an interesting mix of people to say the very least. One of the older gentlemen, Burt, who was seated at the bar is a veteran of World War II and is in his eighties. He is in amazing condition for his years, still owns his own business and goes to work every day. He is also, by the admission of several women, still very sexually active. A shining testament to young men everywhere concerned with how long their virility might last. Last night he was seated at the bar when two good looking college coeds came in and sat down next to him. He was in his glory with two beauties to talk to. Within a few minutes, another one of our regulars, Mike, a veteran of Viet Nam came in and immediately sat down and started talking to the girls and in doing so, pulling the focus of the conversation away form the first older gentleman. At this, Burt blurted out in a rather loud voice “You God Damned pussy thieving Son of a Bitch!” Just like Burt really thought either one of these two gentlemen had a chance with these two coeds. At this everyone laughed. One of the things I love about my bar is the diversity of people that frequent the place. Unlike some bars that our just filled with old farts bitterly reliving their lives and memories and hating their advanced ages or the bars that are the college aged meat markets, this bar seems to fit all of them. I am one very lucky bar owner.

Another interesting fact about people in bars that seems to transcend age is that as closing time approaches, everyone takes on the personality of a youngster who just doesn’t want the night to end and ultimately go to bed, alone, I suppose. Last night was no different. We had the last three customers at the bar, one in his thirties, one in his forties and one in his seventies. All of the drinks were picked up by the required legal hour and they just sat there, not wanting the night to end. Two of them talked endlessly about how hungry they where but the suggestion that they go and get some food seemed lost on them. The third, a good friend just stayed and continued to talk to me and the bartender about this, that, and bacon fat. My bartender, pictured above at the beginnig of todays' posting, and I were the two completely sober people present and wanted to clean up and go home, something that was lost on these three customers. It was definitely more amusing than annoying as these people are all very good friends but it was now three in the morning and we wanted to see something other than the inside of the bar. They finally all left; we quickly locked the door and began cleaning up the nights’ mess. By about 3:45 we left, leaving the last of the clean up for today. All in all it was a great night at the bar.

2005-09-17T18:11:00.000-05:00

I need a chaser. This phrase was never used in quite the same way before or since at my bar as it was used on this particular night. It was a typical Friday night at the bar, very crowded and very noisy with the typical bar conversations and a jazz duo playing in the corner. One of my good friends, Wendy, came in to drown her sorrows from a recent love affair gone wrong. She very quickly found her way to one of the unattached men at the bar and struck up a conversation with him. Now Wendy has always been a person who seems to demand the spotlight regardless of the situation or what she is doing. This night was to be no different than any other. After sitting at the bar for a while with her new found friend, she suddenly hops down from her barstool, grabs her little bar buddy by the hand and leads him off to the rest rooms. As the bar was very busy, I don’t think anyone but myself noticed this action as I had been across the bar talking to them before their rather sudden departure. I went on to other bar customers needs and did not give much thought to the newly acquainted couple. At almost a predetermined moment in time, Wendy once more appears from the rest room area and strides back into the bar proper with her friend following behind. As if directed from above, the musicians stop playing at moment of her entrance and there is a general lull in the conversation. Wendy jumps on this moment of silence to seize the attention of the bar by miming a wipe of her forearm across her mouth and commenting in a very loud voice “I need a chaser”. At this the bar laughed and her friend that was just the recipient of a little lip service and oral communications looked like he wished he could have just disappearedinto the floor. This was an unusual role reversal as it is usually the gentleman who wants to brag about sexual conquests, not the woman. Well at least Wendy managed to put her aborted and ill conceived prior love affair on a back burner at least for a little while that evening.

2005-09-17T15:37:00.000-05:00

The past is prologue to the future. As I am just starting this blog, I am going to reminesce about some of the more amusing things that have taken place over the years and intersperse them with current events. There was the one rainy evening some time ago when a friend of mine, Jack, an insurance agent came into the bar with a co-worker of his for a few drinks. She was just barely old enough to legally drink and he was in his mid thirties. This gentleman had always had a flirtatious nature about him and the young lady he was with was certainly up to giving as good as she got. They sat there drinking their way through a few glasses wine while slowly, the rest of the bar, the early shift, emptied out. Soon they were left alone in the bar as the only two customers, along with myself and the bartender, Christy. The rain had changed from a drizzle to a downpour as they ordered two more glasses of wine. Shortly after this, they both got up to head for the restrooms. When you pour the wine in, you eventually have to recycle it. As I was engaged in consersation with the Christy, we really did not pay any attention to them as they headed to the back of the bar. We did however notice that soon they had been gone for a considerable lenght of time, much longer than necessary for the customary wiz and back to the waiting wine glasses. I walked into the hallway where the restrooms were located and noticed that the mens room door was ajar with no occupant. The plot thickens. I returned to the bar where I appraised Christy of the situation at which point she smiled and shrugged her shoulders in a kind of 'Oh well' motion. A few minutes turned into ten, then twenty. The sound of the rain on the roof was randomly punctuated with the sound of bodies thumping and bumping up against the wall. Soon the rain began to slack off and new customers began to filter back into the bar. The only evidence of the loving couples' presence at the bar was his cell phone and her purse sitting on the bar. Finally after about another fifteen or twenty minutes of wall thumping, the two of them finally emerged from the hallway. As they sat back down at the bar, Jack rather vainly and poorly attempted to explain that he had been in the restroom with his friend helping her as she had become ill. He would have been better to just keep his mouth closed. Everyone at the bar had heard the wall thumping and knew she was not ill. After a few more minutes had passed, he paid his bill and the two of them left. Now the only they wrong with this scenario of new found love was that I did not think that Jack's wife of twelve years would approve of his newfound hobby. I assumed that the next morning, or perhaps later that evening I would receive a phone call explaining his inappropriate behavior, perhaps blaming the Merlot for the regrettable circumstance. Well, I was right, early the next morning I received the the phone call that I was expecting, with one small difference. Here I am expecting Jack to say he was sorry for his behavior, afterall, I know his wife and two children, but instead he blurts out, barely able to contain himself, "Oh my God! That was the best piece of ass that I have had in years." This was not what I was expecting to hear from him. Over the next six weeks or so, a very torrid relationship developed between them. Sex two or three times a day, wherever and whenever they could. He was busy dodging his wife and kids around town, almost getting caught a time or two. After about six weeks of this activity, he showed up at the bar looking pissed at the world. I asked what was up and how his friend was doing. He blurted out that he just finished breaking up with the bitch after he found out that she was sleeping with the guy that she was living with. Just imagine the nerve of the bitch. I laughed at him which set him off. "What the hell are you laughing about?", he asked. I told him that I thought that it was rather funny to me that he was pissed at the girl whom he was cheating on his wife with, because she had the nerve to sleep with the guy she was living with. Unbelievably, he did not see the humor in this. I then went on to say " Well at least you didn't get her pregnant." To which he responded "No, not her!"" I asked what he meant by that and he told me that one night he happened to be very horny and his 'friend' was unable to accomidate him so he had to resort to screwing his wife. She became pregnant with their third child as a result of his misplaced love. Some people are truely unbelievable. That's about all I can say about that. Thanks for reading and have an interesting day.

Welcome to my world

2005-09-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

Let me introduce you to my world. My name, as given to me several years ago by my wife is The Visual Pimp. This was derived from years of interesting activity at bars and restuarants that I have owned. While I don't do anything that could be described as illegal. Sex is not what I sell but rather the ability to investigate bits and pieces of themselves that are normally well hidden in the deep recesses of the personalities. I have watched a great number of people explore their boundaries and learn about themselves and others. Just guess you could say that I am an enabler. I make people feel comfortable with themselves and what they want to do. This ability gives people a good look at themselves and others around them. Sometimes they don't like what they see and then again, sometimes they do. I take no real positions on any of the topics that pop up from time to time and will quite often play the devils advocate just to advance the conversation. I am politically agnostic, I mean that throughout my life I have been pretty equally screwed over by whatever party has been in power. This does not mean that I don't care about politics, it just does not rule my life as it does with some of the old farts that are regulars at my bar. If you want to get to kow people for who they really are, just pour a little liquid brain laxative down their throats and just see what shit can and does come out of them. You will see the good, the bad, and the totally fucking unbelievable. I have seen the exhibitionists, the sexually ambidexterous (Bi), the toe suckers, bar-whore fuckers, and everything in between. The religious zealots who try to convert you why intoxicated to the devoted husbands and wives who will fuck anything that walks whenever they are away from their spouses. Come on in and read about my world, it my be strange, but it is almost never dull. I will appreciate your comments.

2005-09-16T20:18:00.000-05:00

Here's the Visual Pimp.